lyra777

Don’t Let ‘Self-Improvement’ Drag You Away From Self-Acceptance

February 7, 2017 by lyra777 Leave a Comment

If, like me, you’re the type of person who reads a lot of self-help literature, inevitably you will come across a lot of articles that tell you how to be your ‘better’ self. Now, if you have used some of the techniques bouncing around and find yourself a happier person — great! I sincerely mean that. However, there are a few thoughts I’ve had about the self-improvement movement that I would like to share:

1) Self-improvement can move away from self-acceptance

The term ‘improvement’ suggests that how we are in this moment is not good enough. I know that for some people, myself included, this kind of thinking can be the fire that motivates them to take action. The only issue is I highly doubt that this beat-yourself-up approach has a long-term positive effect on your emotional wellbeing. After all, you are being driven because you cannot accept yourself. I feel like that is moving away from self-love and peace. Yes, you may have a string of achievements to show at the end of it, but at what cost to your heart?

2) A linear kind of life may not be for all

Be consistent. Be obsessive. Be hungry. These are the overall themes I started to see reading autobiographies of so-called successful people. I also noticed though that a large majority of the people insisting on this kind of attitude were mostly men. In the last few months I have come to slowly accept and even embrace the fact that my inner nature is inherently chaotic. Everything from my moods, to my physical energy levels, to my cognitive functioning seems to be both cyclical and difficult to predict.

Our current patriarchal society still perceives these kinds of traits negatively, valuing instead calm, consistent linear living (A woman’s mood swings = “She’s crazy!”). However, a lot of ancient Eastern philosophies acknowledge and revere this beautifully chaotic aspect of human nature, labeling it as the ‘feminine’ side of existence. It is inherent in all of us regardless of gender, but as a woman I feel this aspect is magnified.

I see chaos a bit like a typhoon. It can come forth violently and destroy everything in its path, but from this destruction can also come brilliant creation. Although chaos may be impossible to mentally grasp, it also has magnificent depth. This is not to devalue linear living in the slightest — it has its own splendor and beauty. But it would be a shame to stamp out this other side of human existence through only valuing one side of human existence, a side that I often see the self-improvement movement championing as the only life worth living.

3) Self-improvement can be at the detriment of your inner voice

I’ve heard several people say that the key to self-improvement is to relentlessly stick at something, even if your whole being is resisting against it. This is one way to live your life, and I’m sure you will improve wonderfully at any skill you desire to cultivate. My personal conclusion regarding this kind of living is this: sure, you will externally achieve something, but it’s at the cost of ignoring your inner being. The physical sensation I get when I am in this kind of mode is a very heavy head and exhausted body. My attention, instead of feeling expansive, starts to feel very narrow. My head doesn’t seem to stop working and often I get insomnia. It’s only when I distance myself from whatever I’m doing, like in the form of a holiday, that suddenly I feel how detrimental this kind of living is for me personally.

If I’ve not snapped out of this through a break then usually my tumultuous moods will halt my productivity to a stop anyways. The painful thing about this is that despite my inner-self telling me that work isn’t possible, I start to berate myself for not being consistent. This is a negative spiral that doesn’t help. Recognising and accepting that my inner being actually is cyclical has changed things for the better. I may not be super consistent, I may often stop and start things, but I feel much more aligned with who I am. This in turns brings a sense of peace, one that I don’t feel if I’m forcing myself to do things repetitively.

4) You don’t create who you are, you unfold into who you are

I think that often we first try to craft the person we think we want to be. Only to find out that this is a vacuous endeavor that slowly drains our souls. No matter how much we mold our lives in ways that we think will bring us happiness there will be something missing. This can also lead to us clinging desperately to our achievements because we feel they’re the only things that make us “someone”.

But what if one day you lose everything? Your money, your academic degrees, your medals or even your memory. Who are you then? We then realise that actually we don’t need to create who we are, because we are “there” already. All we need is to gently unfold into it by surrendering and letting go. Listen to that inner voice. Relax and float on top of the waves of life instead of swimming against them. Be still and make space inside yourself so the song of your heart can soar through.

On Being An Expert

February 5, 2017 by lyra777 Leave a Comment

I have been thinking about what it means to be an ‘expert’ in one’s field. The thought was triggered by a quote from Danish Physicist, Niels Bohr:

“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a narrow field.”

What am I an expert in? I thought to myself. From the outside, someone may say that I am an expert in psychology and cognitive neuroscience as I have doctorate. But have I made every mistake that can be made in this field? Nope. I have simply spent eight years of my life cramming facts into my brain and rearranging them on paper. At a push, I could sort of call myself an expert in producing a PhD, as boy did I make a hell of a lot of mistakes along the way. This makes me more of an ‘expert’ in time management, stress regulation, procrastination and organisational skills, rather than psychology…and still I’m very, very far from being a master at any of those yet.

From a very young age we are taught to simply study. The more we know the better. We are rewarded for our ability to cram facts by getting awards, our teacher and parents’ approval, and by getting into schools which others will praise us for. Yet, in my twenties I came to the stark realisation that just because I could name parts of the brain this didn’t mean squat, at least to me. True expertise I personally felt was being able to say I knew something, not because I understood it, but because I’d lived it.

I think this was one of my main sticking points when I was teaching psychology at a university. I loved teaching so much, yet I continuously felt like an impostor assuming this position of authority. All I was doing was regurgitating information to students, and then checking how well they could then put that down in an essay. I longed desperately to teach things that I could say to students, ‘I know this, because I’ve been there’, or to conversely say to them, ‘try it and find out for yourselves whether it’s true’. I think that is why I felt particularly in my element when a student would chat to me about their mental health issues. The advice I would impart wasn’t coming from a book somewhere. It was based on knowledge I had gathered making mistake after mistake on my journey on becoming an ‘expert’ in depression.

At the end of the day, I think we become an expert not by knowing, but by doing. This is not to take away at all from people who have impressive amounts of knowledge on a topic. It’s just that I feel we truly shine when we take all this information out of our heads and manifest it in some form in the outer world. Unless we do, we can’t learn, and if we can’t learn, we can’t evolve. It’s probably why being creative is such a fundamental urge that exists in all of us.

Writing and Healing

February 2, 2017 by lyra777 Leave a Comment

Recently I was looking through previous posts. I was feeling a bit self-conscious that I had so many posts on darkness. I know that this is my own stigma towards depression coming out. A little voice in my head starts nabbering that people are judging me for being such a downer. However I made a promise to myself when I revamped this blog that I would express myself honestly. What I’ve wanted to write is what I’ve been posting, so I would like to work on accepting that this is how I want to be.

It’s easy for me to show the happy side of my being. I can openly express the joy and love in my heart in a myriad of ways. Expressing darkness though, now that’s a challenge. I find it difficult to even be openly grumpy because I’m embarrassed. That’s one reason why I write a lot about “negative” emotion. I’m writing for all the times I couldn’t say in the moment how I was feeling. I’m writing so I can have a conversation about the human emotions we all experience, yet keep behind closed doors.

Meryl Streep in her Golden Globes speech recently quoted the late Carrie Fisher as saying, “Take your broken heart, and make it into art”. On a similar vein, I once heard someone say that the purpose of art was to “heal and reveal”. I think there is a very good reason why things that are considered masterpieces – whether they be literature, film, music or fine art – tend to be those that really tap into and express the gritty, heart-wrenching aspects of existence. Think about it – how many happy books were you made to read in English literature class?

When we experience art, we are given permission, through a safe medium, to experience tough emotions that we otherwise suppress and bottle up inside. Through fully connecting with the feelings, we release (heal) and further our understanding of what it means to be human (reveal). To me, writing precisely plays this role. So yes, I will continue to write what I feel flows through me. Bare with me if it can get a bit dark sometimes. Like all of us I am navigating this weird and wacky experience of living as a human being, feeling deep pain, healing it and then revealing truths of living. As Rumi said, “The wound is where the light enters”.

A Few Thoughts on Loneliness

January 13, 2017 by lyra777 Leave a Comment

Loneliness is not caused by the absence of people who love you

It is caused by you not being able to love the people around you

So is the solution to train yourself to love others?

Not necessarily

Remember that loving others is directly related

To the degree to which you love yourself

They are one and the same

Therefore an excellent place to start

Is within

So is the solution to train yourself to love yourself?

Not necessarily

Love is a state of being

And this state of being is your most natural, authentic self

If you peer deep inside

You will find that there actually is no ‘I’ that loves ‘yourself’

Instead, you are love

Therefore to love

Is simply to be

That deep pang of loneliness you may feel

Is actually the tugging of your own heart begging you

To drop all pretences

To drop all self-loathing

To drop all self-criticism

And to accept yourself just as you are

The more you accept yourself

The more you accept others

The more you love others

The less lonely you will feel

Afterword

I have been struggling with loneliness for a few years now. I have no doubts that it is strongly linked to my depression. I would tell people, “There is nobody that loves me here”. Despite strongly feeling this way, my rational brain would tell me that there were people around me that cared about me. So why did I feel this way anyways?

It very recently dawned on me — it wasn’t that the people around me did not care about me. Instead, I myself was in a state of indifference towards others. A friend of mine gave an excellent analogy – a garage door. The more you open it, the more love that can both come in and out. If we shut it, then we shut love out both from ourselves, and from others. When I’m depressed, my door is shut. So I find it hard to care in general. We only accept as much love as we think we deserve.

Perhaps it is this dark void of indifference that we call ‘loneliness’.

I still haven’t fully worked out what it is. I could go on about the illusion of separation and what not, but that’s for another entry. What I’ve written here is just the tip of the iceberg in terms of understanding no doubt. But I’m sure each day and each moment that is spent being present, just being, is one step closer to embracing the light.

Embracing The Seasons Within

January 6, 2017 by lyra777 Leave a Comment

Some of you, like me, may find these winter months emotionally challenging. Modern society currently calls it ‘seasonal affective disorder (SAD)’. But admiring the beautiful trees shedding their leaves during this period, I realised that a change of mood during these months doesn’t have to be seen as a “disorder”. It can instead be seen as just part of the natural flow of life.

As I am transitioning towards winter, I have been feeling the pang of deep darkness that I didn’t feel during the summer. I feel like I am shedding my leaves, shedding the pain and hurt that was stuck inside. I am seeing thoughts and emotions that I didn’t know existed within me. In embracing these emotions, I am feeling very raw.

In the summer we sprout our leaves. Our energy goes outwards. We are active, we are creative. We swing more towards the so-called ‘positive’ emotions of joy and pleasure. In the winter, just like the trees, we too shed our leaves. Some of us transition towards the so-called ‘negative’ emotions of sadness and pain.

However, most of us do not like this. This is because during the summer we come under a spell. We start to believe that we are the leaves of the tree, and forget that we have other sturdier, deeper parts of ourselves – like the bark or roots.

If you look at a tree in the winter, it stands there firmly in all of its bare glory. It is unapologetically naked. It reminds us that is ok to be vulnerable during this season. It gently waves its branches in the wind, like an arm summoning us to join it in embracing this period.

Remember that darkness can be seen as a gift. It is nature’s invitation to quietly delve deep within ourselves, to breakdown our existing paradigms and to start to feel who exactly we are. If you are doubtful of the gifts darkness can bring, let me ask you this – how many important life lessons have you learnt while happy? Chances are, any deep truths that you now know are things you learnt from the tough periods that you have been through.

Remember that winter has its gifts if we are willing to accept it for what it is.

Afterword

Even though I write about the positives of winter darkness, I’m not going to pretend that I deal with it well. I find it hard. Very hard. I also know that because I am very sensitive to the seasons, I would be much happier in a place with more warmth and sunlight (maybe because my inner “plants” are tropical?). One day, I hope to move to a country more towards the equator. Until then though, I am going to strive to embrace the gifts that these dark months give me. I definitely have learnt a hell of a lot and I am very grateful for this.

I also bought an SAD Lamp, and it’s made an enormous difference to both my mood and my energy levels. I recommend it strongly to anyone who is also struggling. At the same time though, my heightened energy levels, thanks to the lamp, feel a bit ‘unnatural’ to me. A bit like I’m forcing myself to work on caffeine. I only use it to keep up energy levels at work. I think in an ideal world I would listen to my heart and body and embrace the darkness a bit more.

One thing I’ve learnt this winter season is to accept the changes that naturally come with increased darkness. My flat becomes messier. I’m not motivated to cook exciting, healthy meals. I find it hard to keep up hobbies. I want to see people less. And this is all ok.

Spring will come eventually.