Marie Buda

Discovering the River Towards Inner Freedom

How Much Water Should You Take?

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The other day I was having a chat with a survival expert.

“People ask me how much water they should take if they’re going on a serious hike. I then ask them – how much do you think? I never get the answer I’m looking for”, he said.

“What is your answer?”, I asked.

“Normally people say 2 litres? 3 litres? I tell them: no I would take 7-11 litres. 1 litre for every hour we are on the move. They’re very surprised at this response.”

“Wow, 11 litres? That’s a lot”, I replied

“I take enough for myself and for other people. What if we all run out of water? What if there are emergencies? What if you meet someone on the way who is in trouble? Everyone asks this question because they want to know the absolute minimum only they need to survive.”

—

I found this answer very enlightening and a great metaphor for loving ourselves and others.

You often hear the saying, ‘you need to love yourself in to order fully love other people’. In the past I used to think, ‘well, I may not love myself very much, but there are many people I love! I can still love!’.

But over the years I have realised the deep truth that underlies this statement. Any aspects that we can’t accept within ourselves, we have trouble accepting in others. In order to fully embrace – or love – the people around us, we truly have to start within ourselves.

We need to first learn to carry enough water for us, before we can start to generously share with others. What would you do if your friends and family are in need of love, but you are filled with self-hate? Would you be able to wholeheartedly support them during their time of need?

Instead, why not love yourself to the extent that you have enough to both nourish yourself and to enrich others. You would be able to freely give, without needing anything in return. Why not carry enough water for both yourself and others?

It is definitely something to strive for.

Is Dependency in Relationships That Bad?

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I first want to say a whole-hearted thank you to the many people who have been writing to me regarding my blog posts. I have had the most interesting, enlightening discussions and can’t wait to have more. Please don’t hesitate to get in touch with me to talk about anything.

I wanted to write a post on a question I received from a few people after my last post.

Is dependency in relationships all that bad?

To begin, I personally do not think there are ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ paths. This is entirely subjective and dependent on each person and their beliefs.

I do however, think that there are some paths that lead to more pain and suffering than others. So, when asked whether dependency in relationship ‘bad’, my answer would be that it’s neither ‘bad’ nor ‘good’. Instead, dependency is a path that can lead to more pain and suffering.

Again, pain and suffering aren’t necessarily ‘bad’. They are just what they are. Another human experience.

What you want to experience is entirely up to you.

Next, I want to clarify what I mean by ‘dependency’. Although I said in the last post that it is not great for your happiness if you depend on someone to satisfy your needs, I am not saying that you should not give and receive in a relationship.

On the contrary, I believe that unconditionally giving and graciously receiving in relationships is a beautiful, wonderful thing and can lead to great happiness.

Let me define these terms a bit better:

Unconditionally giving = to give without expecting anything in return.

Graciously receiving = to receive fully with gratitude, without feeling obliged to return anything.

So where does dependency come in? Pain and suffering come into the process when people become attached.

You are fine when your needs are met. But when they aren’t, you feel the ache of suffering. This is inevitable with attachment.

A further problem happens if you are not only attached, but then believe that it is the other person’s duty to ensure that you do not feel this pain.

Your partner has his/her own life. They are not you. They will not be able to meet all of your demands. So once again, be prepared to be disappointed if you choose to adopt this mindset.

The good news is — it doesn’t have to be this way.

It is challenging, but not impossible, to strive for a relationship where you are giving and receiving without attachment. You allow love to flow freely and unconditionally. You do not aggressively insist that it is the other person’s duty to fulfil your needs. Note that I feel like it is perfectly reasonable to communicate to your partner your needs, but problems arise when you start to say it is their job to satisfy them. Because you are in charge of your own wellbeing, and are not reliant on your partner to bring you joy, you are much more emotionally stable.

Remember, not needing your partner does not equate to not loving your partner. You can fully love someone without needing them. You may be surprised, in fact, by how much your love deepens once various attachment factors are removed. 

So I once again suggest — be your colour!!

Writing From a Place of Serenity

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Now that I’ve vowed to myself that I will write about anything I want, suddenly I want to post about everything.

I do feel like this is not some random burst of excitement that might die down just as quickly. Even when I wasn’t blogging I was always thinking about things I wanted to write about. I would construct the blog in my mind and happily think about how I would convey my thoughts to the reader. But I never actually did it.

Now that I’m finally putting these daydreams into practice I can’t describe how much better I feel. I am bringing some much needed flow back into my life. I understand it’s going to be a wobbly start because I’m still trying to find my voice. When I read my own writing I can significantly feel which bits I wrote from the heart, and bits that I didn’t so much. The difficultly is that growing up we are taught by various people how to write. Our parents first teach us what is right or wrong, and then at school a certain style is demanded of us. We soon start to adapt our writing into something that we think will get that A grade or will be applauded by others. Often in the back of our minds the question isn’t “I am expressing in writing what I truly feel?” but “I am writing in a way that other people will approve of?”.

In other words, we write from a place of fear.

Fear that other people won’t accept what and how we communicate. We desperately try to avoid the sinking feeling of rejection and ridicule. When we do avoid it, and people give us a positive stamp of approval, we get a rush of excitement. Positive reinforcement. This can become almost addictive. The trouble with having this sort of relationship with writing is that while the highs can be ecstatic, the lows can really bum you out. Instead of being content with the beautiful act of creativity, your happiness is defined by the reactions of other people.

I want to get to a place where I’m consistently writing from a place of calm, loving presence, which in turn will cultivate creativity. A place where I am writing what I want, how I want to, without worrying what people think. A place where I am constantly enjoying the mere act of writing, regardless of the consequences it brings. A place of serenity.