Relationships

A Few (Inconclusive) Thoughts About Marriage

September 6, 2016 by lyra777 Leave a Comment

The other day I was watching a film. The male hero looks into the heroine’s eyes and says “Jane, I can’t live without you. Will you marry me?”.

Fast forward to the marriage ceremony. The bride and groom exchange rings. They say to each other that they commit to staying with each other for the rest of their lives, through sickness and in health, till death do them part.

A beautiful thing, right?

I felt uncomfortable.

Not because I’m a commitment-phobe. If anything I’m the polar opposite of that. And it’s also not because I don’t like weddings. I absolutely love them. Instead, I feel uncomfortable when I see scenes like this because I see subtitles underneath such statements.

“I want you forever” I don’t want you to leave me.

“I can’t live without you” I am reliant on you for my security.

“I’d be lost without you” I am attached to you for my happiness.

I wonder how many people get married because deep down one person is scared about losing the other. So they put a ring on it to make things more ‘permanent’. To have the mental comfort of knowing that the very person that you are attached to will always be there. People may do this on a subconscious level. To plunge into a marriage for reasons of fear and attachment is suffering just waiting to happen.

In addition, when couples publicly declare their commitment to each other at weddings, I often think – but what if separating is actually the best thing for the couple?

I believe that “loving” someone does not mean ignoring the changes that naturally occur between people and staying in a loveless marriage. It’s sensing what is best for both you and your partner and acting accordingly. This might mean working things out together, but it could mean parting ways. Realistically you just never know. So in a way, are you not imprisoning the very person that you love in having them make this commitment?

One person that I know who has chosen not to get married to her long-term partner once said to me, “People ask me why we don’t get married, but I feel like there is something beautiful about the fact that I choose to be with my partner every single day”. I thought that was wonderful. I too feel like one way I can show my love to my partner is to let him know that he has a choice of being with me. After all, you must allow others the freedom to be their own circle (see previous blog entry).

This then makes me wonder what the motivations should be behind marriage. I’m not talking about legal reasons – because I’m sure I could name a few of those. I ponder on the non-legal reasons because I know I do want to get married someday. Granted, I will freely admit that part of the reason is to wear a lovely wedding dress (what girl can resist having all eyes on her) and to have a day that celebrates love.

I’m still trying to work out good reasons to get married that aren’t based on fear and attachment. I know the feeling of wanting to share the rest of your life with someone. I know the feeling of being permanently connected at the heart with someone. And of course, I know the feeling of loving someone. I guess marriage could be an overt declaration of these emotions.

Yet, I cannot help but feel that marriage symbolises a permanent union. This idea belies how I feel about wanting to ensure that both my partner and myself feel free. Of course, there is a choice of leaving one’s partner even when married. It’s called divorce. But the gravitas is different.

I think the only answers I can come up with at the moment are these two: 1) If you feel a timeless connection (aka union) with someone on a spiritual level, you want to symbolise this on a physical level. This perhaps is marriage. 2) I like the idea of taking on my husband’s last name as a symbol of becoming one family when we have children. We are one unit and a tribe.

So yes, I’m afraid no conclusion to this post because I’m still mulling on this one, and any thoughts will be much appreciated 🙂 Stay tuned for another post someday…!

Two Becomes Three

August 15, 2016 by lyra777 Leave a Comment

In previous posts, I talked about the importance of being in charge of your own happiness in relationships, and the pain and suffering that can result from relying on someone else to satisfy your needs. This can be anyone from your partner, to your family, to your friends.

Often with regards to relationships, we hear phrases being used such as “two become one”, “my other half”, “he/she completes me”. The issue with these sorts of analogies is that they suggest that we are in some way incomplete unless we have these other people in our lives.

Yet, the truth is: we are complete already on our own. Your partner should not fill a gap in your life, but rather should add something new.

With this idea in mind, I suggest the following exercise:

1) Ask yourself: what are the gaps that someone close to you fills in your relationship? This could it be partner, parent or friend.

2) Write what you need to complete within yourself to fill that gap.

For example, I have a person dear to me who I feel is one of the few people who unconditionally accepts me for who I am. To me, my relationship with this person fills a gap – my craving for unconditional acceptance.

This clearly shows me that I need to work on unconditionally accepting myself more.

The list could go on, and could be anything. Does your partner make you feel protected? Make you feel happy? Make you feel loved?

Yes? Now figure out ways in which you can achieve that feeling within yourself.

Ultimately, these gaps are the things that are currently missing in the most important partnership of all: the relationship between you and yourself.

As you start to slowly re-discover how to access these elements again, your relationships with others will no longer be one where you are relying on them to fill in a void within you. It will be a relationship where two beings approach each other in their entireties. This allows for the highest form of creativity to occur.

When this happens, two doesn’t become one. Two becomes three.

Is Dependency in Relationships That Bad?

July 25, 2016 by lyra777 Leave a Comment

I first want to say a whole-hearted thank you to the many people who have been writing to me regarding my blog posts. I have had the most interesting, enlightening discussions and can’t wait to have more. Please don’t hesitate to get in touch with me to talk about anything.

I wanted to write a post on a question I received from a few people after my last post.

Is dependency in relationships all that bad?

To begin, I personally do not think there are ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ paths. This is entirely subjective and dependent on each person and their beliefs.

I do however, think that there are some paths that lead to more pain and suffering than others. So, when asked whether dependency in relationship ‘bad’, my answer would be that it’s neither ‘bad’ nor ‘good’. Instead, dependency is a path that can lead to more pain and suffering.

Again, pain and suffering aren’t necessarily ‘bad’. They are just what they are. Another human experience.

What you want to experience is entirely up to you.

Next, I want to clarify what I mean by ‘dependency’. Although I said in the last post that it is not great for your happiness if you depend on someone to satisfy your needs, I am not saying that you should not give and receive in a relationship.

On the contrary, I believe that unconditionally giving and graciously receiving in relationships is a beautiful, wonderful thing and can lead to great happiness.

Let me define these terms a bit better:

Unconditionally giving = to give without expecting anything in return.

Graciously receiving = to receive fully with gratitude, without feeling obliged to return anything.

So where does dependency come in? Pain and suffering come into the process when people become attached.

You are fine when your needs are met. But when they aren’t, you feel the ache of suffering. This is inevitable with attachment.

A further problem happens if you are not only attached, but then believe that it is the other person’s duty to ensure that you do not feel this pain.

Your partner has his/her own life. They are not you. They will not be able to meet all of your demands. So once again, be prepared to be disappointed if you choose to adopt this mindset.

The good news is — it doesn’t have to be this way.

It is challenging, but not impossible, to strive for a relationship where you are giving and receiving without attachment. You allow love to flow freely and unconditionally. You do not aggressively insist that it is the other person’s duty to fulfil your needs. Note that I feel like it is perfectly reasonable to communicate to your partner your needs, but problems arise when you start to say it is their job to satisfy them. Because you are in charge of your own wellbeing, and are not reliant on your partner to bring you joy, you are much more emotionally stable.

Remember, not needing your partner does not equate to not loving your partner. You can fully love someone without needing them. You may be surprised, in fact, by how much your love deepens once various attachment factors are removed.

So I once again suggest — be your colour!!

Be Your Colour — A Cartoon About Relationships

July 16, 2016 by lyra777 Leave a Comment

Once upon a time there was a world full of colours

Each of these dots shone their colours brightly and magnificently

They would spend their time playing, talking, working…doing what colours do

They were happy

Sometimes two colours would meet, and they would like each other’s colour

Sometimes they would fall in love.

When they did, they were happy…

…for awhile,

Because often, the colours would get confused

Very confused

After being together for so long, they would start to believe that they needed the other colour

If the other colour was missing, they would feel all sorts of emotions, like sadness and loneliness

They would also start to believe that because they needed the other colour, it was also the other colour’s responsibility to complete them

Or other times, one colour would ask the other dot to be a different colour all together

This illusion was so great, that sometimes the colours started to believe in it

They believed that they were incomplete

But all of this made no sense at all

No other colour could complete their colour, but themselves

And often they had forgotten the most important truth of them all…

They were complete in the first place.

When two dots fully embrace both their own and each other’s colour

When they both fully realise that they are already complete

Only then can they start to create a strong and unique colour when together

This is a beautiful thing

But remember

Even when alone

They are still shining brightly and magnificently in their own colour

Be your colour.

Afterword

It is so easy for us to fall into this relationship trap.

If your answer to why you are with your partner is: “because I’m not happy if I’m not with them”, you need to have a long, hard look at your relationship.

Conversely, if you are single and your answer to why you want a relationship is along the lines of “because I’m lonely/because I want to feel safe/because I want to feel [insert your need here]”, again, you need to have a rethink.

In Ram Dass‘ own words:

“…often, we come into a relationship very much identified with our needs at some level or other. “I need security, I need refuge, I need friendship.” We come together because we fulfill each other’s needs at some level and the problem is that when you identify with that, those needs, you always stay at the level where the other person is “her” or “him” that is satisfying that need….” (Original article here)

And the problem is, you never grow as a couple. You get stuck into a cycle of attachment and suffering because you believe your partner’s life duty is to forever satisfy your need.

Except it isn’t their duty to.

Remember it’s NOT your partner’s job to make you happy.

It’s your job to make yourself happy.

If you feel incomplete without your partner, remember that you are under a temporary spell.

You are actually complete just the way you are, on your own.

You just need to re-find the beauty that lies deep inside.