Marie Buda

Discovering the River Towards Inner Freedom

Do You Want To Help Someone With Depression? Don’t try.

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Do not try to help someone with depression.

“How can you even say that?” I hear you yelling. “You can’t just leave someone in pain alone. Surely they want help too!”

Sure, I agree. I have struggled with depression for 15 years. But hear me out.

I mentioned in a previous post that a key reason for depression is emotional suppression. The person in front of you is suffering because they cannot accept something. This could be an aspect of themselves (“I hate myself”), or it could be an event that has occurred to them (“How could this be happening to me?”). If they are depressed, they have been suppressing a whole host of emotions inside, such as sadness, anger or regret. The only way to release oneself from this suffering is to completely and fully accept the present, to embrace everything that is occurring both internally and externally (note that this is not the same as passivity). The opposite of depression is to freely express one’s soul.

So this is where the problem of trying to “help” someone with depression lies. You may relieve the suffering of someone as the end result of being with someone, but to have the intention to “save” or “help” will lead to suffering for both parties. To feel that you want to help someone with depression also involves motivations like, “I want to make you happy” or “I don’t want you to be in pain”. This may seem like a noble sentiment, but here is the problem. The flip-side of these thoughts are: “I want to try and change your mood”. If this is the ultimate impetus behind what you are doing, you are actually denying how the person is in the present. In thinking, “I want to make you happy”, you are simultaneously saying, “I do not want you to be who you are in this present moment”. You are not accepting their darkness. This is precisely the opposite of what people with depression need (see also my article on the challenges of being an Empath).

Remember there are no “good” or “bad” moods. All emotions — even painful ones — need to be accepted in order to be released. If the person in front of you is in pain, give them space to accept that pain. To try to do something to change that is to block the natural process of things. It is like building a dam in a river that wants to flow. To approach someone with the intention of helping, while seeming like a great intention, actually is subconsciously sending the message, “I don’t want you to be who you are”. This is not love.

This tactic will backfire too. If you approach people like this, soon you will find a lot of people who won’t respond to your “help”, because in fact you aren’t really helping them in the first place. This will just lead to disappointment and frustration on your end. You may even get angry at the person wondering why they don’t get better more quickly when you’re offering so much “help”. Well, now you know why.

Don’t try and help someone in emotional pain. If you feel a tug to be with them, then go with the flow and be with them. Literally. Just BE. Don’t make solving their problems your goal. Being present can manifest in an infinite number of forms. Anything could happen while you are with the other person. You may want to just be silent. You may listen, you may speak. You may even end up giving them advice. But it all comes from a place of not trying to forcibly change anything around you and going with the flow.

It is highly likely that if you do this, the almost paradoxical end result is that you have helped this person. But “helping” shouldn’t be your first intention.  The person suffering is in a state of non-acceptance regarding a lot of things. You being in a state of presence will draw them into your healing light. In fully accepting them, you help them accept themselves.

Bottom line, if you really want to help someone with depression, let that sentiment go. Being yourself, and in doing so inviting them to be themselves, is the best medicine you can offer.

How Do I Embrace My Emotions? – Depression and Emotional Suppression Q&A

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I have noticed a very steady increase in the number of visitors to my last blog, “Depression and Emotional Suppression”. Even though I wrote that entry six months ago, it has quickly catapulted into my most read entry of all time.

This emphasised to me how much people all over the world are also in pain, and how we are not alone in our experiences with depression. What also struck me was that the majority of the hits were directed from Google. To find my entry one would have to specifically type in keywords along the lines of “depression emotional suppression”. Clearly, people are realising themselves that this could be the reason for their darkness and are searching further.

I received some questions this week from a reader, so with his permission, I have published my responses to them below. I realised that in the last entry I didn’t go into detail about what one can do personally to embrace one’s emotions, so I share a lot of the techniques I use below. I sincerely hope that this will be of help to other people who are starting to shed light on their darkness.

 

Say one has been suppressing emotions for quite some time now. Would depression result in confusion and some form of apathy in contrast to feeling pure sadness?

Even though I have experienced depression, I do think that depression can take a multitude of forms. My experience is just one experience, and may not be the ultimate truth. I just want to reinforce the importance of finding your truth, your path to freedom, and to just take on board what truly resonates with your heart.

My experience is that depression ranges from complete apathy to deep sadness/despair. So to answer your question, I would say “yes”. Either way, the common denominator seems to be suffering.

However, despite these so-called “feelings”, it is still not quite the same as fully experiencing an emotion. The analogy I used in my last entry was if that your suppressed emotions are rotting garbage, depression is simply the smell alerting you to them.

Subjectively, the depressive experience feels 2D, almost like a vacuum. As it is occurring because you are not feeling true emotions, what you are experiencing is something slightly different. It’s like a blackhole. I often felt like it was like white fire raging through my guts.

In contrast, emotions are embodied. They feel 3D. Even so-called “negative” emotions like hatred or grief have colour, shape and character.  So the sadness you experience when depressed feels different from when you are completely embracing your sadness. The former is a painful vacuum, while the latter flows through your body. With my synesthesia, sadness also feels dark blue to me, whilst depression has no colour.

 

If someone has been subconsciously suppressing emotions and after doing it for quite some time (which comes with self-rejection of how you feel), how would it be possible to face and embrace said feelings and emotions buried deep?

Firstly, I want to congratulate you for even realising that you a suppressing. Realising this is the first step towards acceptance.

The answer to your question is: there are many ways!

1) Mindfulness and meditation

First and foremost, you need to get back into your body.

It is highly likely that if you are suppressing, you focus most of your consciousness in your head i.e. your thoughts. This is a coping mechanism you picked up at a very young age in order to avoid feeling “negative” emotions like grief or anger.

One interesting exercise is to draw how you feel in your body right now. Shockingly, when I did this I just drew one circle that represented my head. Although obviously I knew I had a body, subjectively I had completely lost touch with the rest of it. It had ceased to exist within my consciousness.

Body scan practice (a form of mindfulness) can slowly help shift the spotlight of your attention from your thoughts back into your body. Here is a helpful link to get you started. In learning how to become aware of your body again, you can increase your sensitivity to any emotions that may arise within it.

In general also, practice mindfulness. Gently, and compassionately, observe how emotions may arise and how you push them down. The importance is not to beat yourself up about it. Just notice. The key here is just to get to know your patterns and habits a bit better.

Finally, meditation — specifically, mindful breathing. If you clear your mind, you will notice that sometimes suppressed emotions will just come up on their own. Instead of fighting them, smile in your heart, smile with your whole being. No matter how tough the emotion, don’t take it too seriously. Be playful with it. Surround yourself and the emotion with love. Soon, you will start to be able to release emotions through the breath.

 

2) Let your body express itself

Personally, while mediation and mindfulness helped, one issue I started having was that I had the strong urge to move while emotions started bubbling up. If anger started rumbling from within I felt the urge stamp my feet, punch some pillows and scream.

My solution? I now just do it. At an appropriate time and place of course.

For me, having danced for many years, I found that movement medicine was right up my street. I discovered 5Rhythms® at a spiritual festival I went to two years ago. Essentially in these classes, you let your body move however you want for two hours, with the leader’s invitation to explore certain styles of expression, should you so wish. Allowing your body to freely communicate what you feel within is great, but seeing everyone around you shedding all of their layers too has its own magic. This practice has taught me so much about myself, how to relate with other people and so much more. I will put some links to a variety of movement meditation forms at the end of this entry. There are so many to choose from.

Dance not really up your alley? Don’t want to publically show your emotions? No worries – just do it in the privacy of your own home. I do this too. Allow yourself to laugh, cry and rage, and do it in a very embodied manner. Become a three-year-old having a tantrum if that’s what needs to be expressed. There is something to be said about returning to the way we used show emotions as kids, with no filters.

I do have one caveat though — make sure that you are still in control of your emotions, and that your emotions do not control you. Ultimately, this is the difference between your adult self, and your three-year-old self. It took me a good few years to get the hang of this. Letting your emotions flow is a great thing, but if you identify with them you can get lost in them. Trust me, this isn’t pretty. You want to be in a state of expanded awareness, as opposed to having narrow focus on only the emotion. The key is to let go while still being centred, knowing that you are simply awareness, and are not the emotion itself.

 

3) Emotional Freedom Technique

Another technique that has really helped me on my journey of self-acceptance is the Emotional Freedom Technique. It is a tapping technique that helps accept and release emotion. Here is a YouTube link to get you started.

 

4) Speak your truth  

To some people, simply feeling their emotions is enough to release them. However, I find I need a little more support. If there is an emotion I can sort-of feel, but can’t quite embrace, and I then proceed to let go and say out loud anything that comes to mind. I usually do this in a safe space, like in my room or in the bath when I’m alone.

I also have a notebook that I exclusively use to release feelings. When I feel the pangs of depression coming up, I know I’m suppressing and not allowing life to flow through me. So I get out my notebook and start writing what I feel. The notebook technique helps because you can do it anywhere, even in a crowded train.

For example I may write:

“I feel angry at Sally, and that’s ok”

“I feel scared about taking that risk, and that’s ok”

Some key points I want to emphasise here are:

1) To always write “I FEEL”, and not “I am”. The former emphasises that at you are simply having an experience, like anger, and that your core being is simply awareness. The latter is identification with the emotion, which is something we want to evolve away from.

2) Be completely honest with whatever comes through, and to add “that’s ok” to re-emphasize that. Remember, even if they are very dark emotions, you have to love and accept them. Feelings are just feelings, they are not You.

 

5) Understand that you have multiple personalities

As you start your journey to observe what is going on within, you will soon get to know the multiple personalities that exist within yourself. Your nurturing personality, your artistic personality, your business personality, and so forth. You also have within you personalities from your past, ranging from your infant self, your childhood self, your teenage self, to your adult self.

Now, things can get a bit tricky when several of these characters come up at the same time, especially when they are in conflict with each other.

For example, let’s say that my friend and I have an argument. At this moment, the “mature”, mediator personality may calmly whisper, “look, your friend also has a point”. At the same time however, our inner teenager will also rip through wanting to yell out a bunch of expletives. When this happens, the mature personality may take over, shoving the teenager into the dark depths of our unconscious (not with everyone though, some people definitely choose to do the opposite!!).

This is understandable, as to give the aggressive teenager the mic may not be the best decision. But suppression equally isn’t the answer. Remember, to accept your emotion doesn’t necessarily mean you act on them. As explained earlier, feeling your emotions doesn’t mean being controlled by them. The eventual goal is to feel, accept and release all emotions that come up, from all of your personalities, but to also calmly pick what action you are going to take next (note: this could mean letting the teenager express itself, but if you choose to do so, it will come from a place of deeper knowing rather than impulse).

To accept contradictory, conflicting emotions that come up is definitely the skill of a master. Meanwhile, for the rest of us mortals who aren’t the Dalai Lama, what we can do is to find a safe space and express what the other personalities have to say later. You can do this out loud, through writing — anything that works for you is fine. No matter how ludicrious or immature the other persona may sound, don’t judge, just observe and let it speak. Swear away if you have to. After all, it still is a part of you.

 

To Close 

Re-embracing your emotions takes daily practice. Although a few years have passed since I had the realisation that I was suppressing my emotions, I’m still learning to embrace them. Even when you do start to get the hang of it, once you’ve released a set of emotions, you’ll find that more come bubbling up to be expressed. It’s like a never-ending train. Don’t let this put you off. Think about all the years you’ve suppressed your emotions. That is a whole load of build up. It’s only natural that we have a lot of healing to do, so welcome the challenge with compassion.

Eventually the goal is to clear what is left within, and to be in a place where even if emotions come up, we simply observe and let them go. As I wrote in my last entry, the opposite of depression is the ability to freely experience your emotions.

Finally, I have written here my techniques of embracing and releasing emotions, but again I want to emphasize that these are things that work personally for me. What works for you may be different. For example, I read recently of a lady who found drumming to be the perfect medium to express her pain. Art and music are also popular choices. The key is to find your voice, and to speak your truth. And don’t forget to do it all with love, as it truly is the key to growth and transformation.

Special thanks to BR whose questions inspired this post.

 

Recommended Reading

Emotional Clearing: Releasing Negative Feelings and Awakening Unconditional Happiness by John Ruskan

Eastern Body, Western Mind by Anodea Judith

 

Types of Movement Meditation

5Rhythms®

Ecstatic Dance

Biodanza 

Depression and Emotional Suppression

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One of the biggest misunderstandings about depression

I was on the phone with my friend and told her that I was depressed and struggling. We didn’t dwell on it, and she asked what I had planned for the next coming weeks. I told her about my plans to attend a wedding in Surrey, a business trip to Florida as well a trip back home to Japan to attend another wedding.

“Your life isn’t miserable at all!” she said.

I think my friend’s response represents a typical misunderstanding people have about depression: that it always occurs when something bad has happened. Therefore on the same vein, if your life isn’t demonstrably “bad”, your sadness and misery are not justified. Typical manifestations of this attitude can lead to painful statements along the lines of:

“Cheer up, your life isn’t that bad”

“You should be grateful for all the things you have”

“And why are you so upset?”

I want to take this opportunity to clear up this bias once and for all:

Terrible things do not need to happen for depression to occur.

Now, there is indeed a very strong correlation behind critical, upsetting events and depression. But as we all know correlation is not causation. In this post, I want to talk about what I have discovered to be one of the key causes of depression — emotional suppression. Once this is understood, it is easy to see why critical events often lead to depression, and also why equally they are not needed for it to occur.

 

The Link Between Depression and Emotional Suppression

All of us go through hardships. At times the majority of us will feel emotions of sadness, helplessness, defeat and low self-esteem. However some of us aren’t very good at fully processing these emotions. Instead of letting them pass through us, we push them down. We become aware that they are bubbling up, but we isolate ourselves from our bodies and try to distract ourselves using things such as work, exercise, food or drink. Another very common escape mechanism is to focus our energy on our mind. Instead of connecting and embracing our emotions with our full being, we start to compulsively think. Hence why rumination comes hand-in-hand with depression. So long as we talk in our heads about why we are not happy, that at least saves us from feeling how much in pain we are.

Ironically, this tactic backfires. All those emotions that we push down eventually will reach a tipping point. It’s almost like garbage piling up. Unless you continuously pick up and throw things away, it will start to rot and smell. Depression is a warning sign that your emotions have piled up for far too long, and that they need to be processed ASAP. Think of it as emotional constipation. It is your soul crying out, begging you to confront how you actually are inside. This might be the reason why we feel like we need to be alone when we are depressed. It is our body’s way of telling us to take a time-out to just be with ourselves.

You now may be able to see the connection between critical events and depression. When something terrible happens a tsunami of emotion invades. This can be very overwhelming, almost as if a truck has hit you. It’s only natural that a coping mechanism is to start pushing some of the emotion down to deal with later. However if left for too long it will pile up and, boom – depression. However, you can also see that equally dreadful things need not have occurred for someone to have depression. It can also occur as a result of a drip-drip effect. By the time the darkness finally manifests it could be after various feelings have built up over days, weeks or years. This is why things don’t need to be terrible for a person to have depression.

Now, if you are currently struggling with depression you may be thinking, “How can you say that I’m not feeling my emotions? Every day I feel like crap! I’d much rather be feeling nothing!”. I say all this because the sinking sensation of depression is not the core feeling that you are suppressing. To re-use the garbage example, depression is the rotting smell, but not the garbage itself. When you sit down and really connect with the pain, it is likely that you will find a whole mixture of emotions swirling around, including anger, fear, helplessness and sadness. So many of us have mastered the art of suppressing our emotions that we don’t even know that we are doing it. Even if we want to feel what is inside, we genuinely don’t know what is there. And if we did, most of the time we don’t want to look at them. After all, there was a good reason why we hid them from ourselves in the first place.

Furthermore, connecting with our emotions is one thing, but fully accepting and loving them – that’s a whole other thing all together. Let’s say for example, that you look inside and start feeling that you have anger towards a very close friend of yours. You then realise that is because you are jealous towards him/her. An immediate reaction is that this is wrong, that it’s very petty of yourself to feel jealousy, and that this friend is such an amazing person who doesn’t deserve someone feeling this way towards her. Besides, just because you feel this way what can you do about it? This then leads to suppression again.

There is nothing wrong with feeling anything. Feelings are just feelings. Nothing more, nothing less. Yet throughout the years we are taught that some feelings are acceptable, and some are not. That some emotions are justified based on the external circumstances, and some are not. That there is “no point” in allowing yourself feel certain emotions. All of this is utter madness, not to mention toxic. The reality is, we must love and accept every emotion that passes through us.**  The opposite of depression is not happiness, but the freedom to experience spontaneous feelings.

 

The Importance of Having Open Listeners

I hope now you can see why statements such as, “Cheer up, your life isn’t that bad”, is as counter-productive as it gets. The person in front of you is depressed because they believe that they are not allowed to express certain emotions. Therefore in telling them to “cheer up” you are telling them yet again to shove down how they are feeling. In essence, you are reinforcing precisely the toxic behaviour that has gotten them into darkness in the first place.

This is why you may have noticed that people with low self-esteem shut down even more when you tell them that they shouldn’t feel that way. People with depression don’t need you to try and change their minds. Nor do they want solutions either. When a person approaches you with their pain, what they require is for you to show them that feeling bad is totally fine, regardless of the circumstances that underlie it. What they desperately need you to do is to hold a loving, safe space for expression. To be an open listener.

If you open your heart to that person’s emotions, simply by being very present in the moment, this automatically shows the person that their emotions are perfectly fine. If someone says they feel worthless, let them know there is nothing wrong then with that (“I see, that must be really painful”), instead of bombarding them with evidence on why they shouldn’t be feeling this way. It’s only after the emotion is accepted and released — often in the form of tears — that you can perhaps discuss how worthy of love you think they are. But it is incredibly important to wait until the catharsis has happened.

 

How to Listen

So how does one listen with an open heart? My personal answer to this is to employ mindful listening. When practicing mindfulness, you calm the chatter in your mind and let your awareness expand. The key is to not be in a mindset where you feel like you want change the person or fix things for them. You are simply there, experiencing the space with them. If listening to them brings up emotions within you, notice them with full acceptance as you would in meditation. You being your honest, raw self in the moment will help the other person also embrace their authenticity. You accepting them, exactly how they are, is the greatest show of love (I have written another article on how to be with someone with depression).

 

To Close

I am really surprised that emotional suppression and depression aren’t talked about more often. After being introduced to this idea a few years ago it quickly became clear to me that this really was a key cause of it – at least for me. I am not saying however that it is the only cause. Depression is incredibly multifaceted and each sufferer manifests his or her own unique version. As such, the reasons behind it can slightly differ. Yet, the more I talk to people with depression, the more I do see that this could be a common cause for so many of us.

I see people often at a loss as to how to help people with depression, and because of this end up accidentally talking to people in a counter productive way. In fostering an understanding of how emotional suppression can be contributing to depression, this can not only help people with this issue understand better what is going on with them, but can also help those who have loved ones with depression support them in the best possible way.

 

Feb. 10th, 2018: Since writing this entry I have written a follow-up post where I talk about ways of embracing your emotions again.

Apr. 4th, 2018: I have written a follow-up post on how to help someone with depression.

**Note that this is not the same as acting on the emotion. If you feel hate, that is fine and should be accepted, but you don’t need to act on it.

Disliking People Who Are Like Us: On a Japanese Four-Character Idiom That Teaches You A Lot About People

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In Japan we have a great thing called yo-ji-jyuku-go (四字熟語). These are idiomatic phrases made out of four kanji characters. For those who aren’t familiar with the Japanese language, kanji characters are logographic characters. Instead of each character having just a sound, it also has a specific meaning. Throughout the ages Japanese scholars have put together four different kanji characters to express profound life truths. A great one I came across recently was dou-zoku-ken-o（同族嫌悪). Literally translated this idiom consists of the characters, “same”, “family”, “hate”, and “bad”. It means that we dislike people who are like us.

This may sound strange, because your first instinct may be to think that conversely we are drawn to people who are like us. This is still true. When we encounter people who are like us we feel strong love and affection. On the other hand, if these people do not resemble us at all, we feel indifference. But what if these people are just like us, but resemble aspects of ourselves that we don’t like? That’s when hate rumbles from within. We really don’t like it when other people mirror aspects of ourselves that we don’t want to accept.

A frequently portrayed example of this is the school bully who beats up homosexuals, only to discover later that he is gay himself. Him beating up other poor boys is an outer manifestation of what he does internally to himself daily. We resent people for bringing up feelings that we try so hard to suppress and push down. We hate them because we are just like them. This is what this idiom succinctly teaches.

We only accept in others what we accept within ourselves. The school bully who finally embraces his sexuality will stop hurting his colleagues. This is why people who piss us off are actually our greatest teachers. The anger that wells us from inside tells us that there are parts of ourselves we haven’t accepted and integrated into our being.

Now, you may be thinking that perhaps we suppress things for good reasons. You don’t like Trump for example, because you don’t like how misogynistic he is. And sure, according to what I’ve been saying this would mean that you don’t accept misogynistic thoughts within yourself, but isn’t this a good thing? If you accepted misogyny you would think it’s ok to be horrible to women.

Well no. If you thought this then you have fallen into one of the big misunderstandings about acceptance. Acceptance of thoughts does not equate directly to any form of action (or non-action for that matter). Put it this way, if everyone who accepted their misogynistic thoughts were a misogynist, by the same logic all crime writers would be serial killers. They spend their days unapologetically exploring some of the darkest of ideas, but they are very much normal citizens of society.

To accept is to simply confront and observe various thoughts and emotions as they arise, without judgment. If a misogynistic thought arises, for example, you can simply look at it. You don’t have to act on it. All you have to do is let it bubble up inside yourself and let it go. In fact, the only way such thoughts are released is through acceptance. However, most of us are afraid to peek at the darker ideas that come out of ourselves. We push the thoughts down, build strong walls around them hoping they will never crop up again. That is, until we bump into someone who embodies the very thoughts and emotions we’ve been suppressing. Then suddenly the barriers we tried so hard to build come crashing down, and we hate it. The irony is, you never would have had your walls fall down if you hadn’t built them in the first place.

When you don’t like someone, it’s an invitation to look within to see what exactly it is that you don’t like about them, and then in turn understand what it is you don’t like about yourself. It’s a golden opportunity to shine the light of acceptance on this trait that exists within you. You hate it when people are childish? That’s because you don’t accept the child within you. But ask yourself — what is really “wrong” with being childish?

This even applies to so-called negative traits. If you don’t like someone because they are rude, that’s because you don’t accept the rude person within you. But if you can learn to accept this aspect of yourself, you can then approach this person with calm and love, rather than hate. This isn’t to say you let them get away with their rudeness. You can still say softly to this person that being rude does not help solve the situation. If anything, your calm and composed energy is likely to deflate any tension there was in the first place.

Hate yourself, hate others. Love yourself, love others.

Don’t Let ‘Self-Improvement’ Drag You Away From Self-Acceptance

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If, like me, you’re the type of person who reads a lot of self-help literature, inevitably you will come across a lot of articles that tell you how to be your ‘better’ self. Now, if you have used some of the techniques bouncing around and find yourself a happier person — great! I sincerely mean that. However, there are a few thoughts I’ve had about the self-improvement movement that I would like to share:

1) Self-improvement can move away from self-acceptance

The term ‘improvement’ suggests that how we are in this moment is not good enough. I know that for some people, myself included, this kind of thinking can be the fire that motivates them to take action. The only issue is I highly doubt that this beat-yourself-up approach has a long-term positive effect on your emotional wellbeing. After all, you are being driven because you cannot accept yourself. I feel like that is moving away from self-love and peace. Yes, you may have a string of achievements to show at the end of it, but at what cost to your heart?

2) A linear kind of life may not be for all

Be consistent. Be obsessive. Be hungry. These are the overall themes I started to see reading autobiographies of so-called successful people. I also noticed though that a large majority of the people insisting on this kind of attitude were mostly men. In the last few months I have come to slowly accept and even embrace the fact that my inner nature is inherently chaotic. Everything from my moods, to my physical energy levels, to my cognitive functioning seems to be both cyclical and difficult to predict.

Our current patriarchal society still perceives these kinds of traits negatively, valuing instead calm, consistent linear living (A woman’s mood swings = “She’s crazy!”). However, a lot of ancient Eastern philosophies acknowledge and revere this beautifully chaotic aspect of human nature, labeling it as the ‘feminine’ side of existence. It is inherent in all of us regardless of gender, but as a woman I feel this aspect is magnified.

I see chaos a bit like a typhoon. It can come forth violently and destroy everything in its path, but from this destruction can also come brilliant creation. Although chaos may be impossible to mentally grasp, it also has magnificent depth. This is not to devalue linear living in the slightest — it has its own splendor and beauty. But it would be a shame to stamp out this other side of human existence through only valuing one side of human existence, a side that I often see the self-improvement movement championing as the only life worth living.

3) Self-improvement can be at the detriment of your inner voice

I’ve heard several people say that the key to self-improvement is to relentlessly stick at something, even if your whole being is resisting against it. This is one way to live your life, and I’m sure you will improve wonderfully at any skill you desire to cultivate. My personal conclusion regarding this kind of living is this: sure, you will externally achieve something, but it’s at the cost of ignoring your inner being. The physical sensation I get when I am in this kind of mode is a very heavy head and exhausted body. My attention, instead of feeling expansive, starts to feel very narrow. My head doesn’t seem to stop working and often I get insomnia. It’s only when I distance myself from whatever I’m doing, like in the form of a holiday, that suddenly I feel how detrimental this kind of living is for me personally.

If I’ve not snapped out of this through a break then usually my tumultuous moods will halt my productivity to a stop anyways. The painful thing about this is that despite my inner-self telling me that work isn’t possible, I start to berate myself for not being consistent. This is a negative spiral that doesn’t help. Recognising and accepting that my inner being actually is cyclical has changed things for the better. I may not be super consistent, I may often stop and start things, but I feel much more aligned with who I am. This in turns brings a sense of peace, one that I don’t feel if I’m forcing myself to do things repetitively.

4) You don’t create who you are, you unfold into who you are

I think that often we first try to craft the person we think we want to be. Only to find out that this is a vacuous endeavor that slowly drains our souls. No matter how much we mold our lives in ways that we think will bring us happiness there will be something missing. This can also lead to us clinging desperately to our achievements because we feel they’re the only things that make us “someone”.

But what if one day you lose everything? Your money, your academic degrees, your medals or even your memory. Who are you then? We then realise that actually we don’t need to create who we are, because we are “there” already. All we need is to gently unfold into it by surrendering and letting go. Listen to that inner voice. Relax and float on top of the waves of life instead of swimming against them. Be still and make space inside yourself so the song of your heart can soar through.