Emotion

Having a Darkness Episode – Q&A

November 15, 2016 by lyra777 Leave a Comment

Last week, I had quite a strong episode of darkness, and I’m still coming out of it. It was hard, very hard. A common theme in my life is that I have no one to support me during these times. I have to cope on my own. As a result, the loneliness I feel is overwhelming. I spent all weekend alone in my flat crying from so much pain.

One reason why I don’t reach out to people during these times is that in the past I have found it to be very counterproductive. People find it difficult to understand what I am going through. As a result, at the end of the conversation all I am left with are painful feelings of being misunderstood. This exacerbates any already existing feelings of isolation and loneliness.

But I thought maybe…just maybe…if I could take the time out to describe what is going on with me, I can narrow the gap of misunderstanding between myself and others. It’s hard to explain to someone subjective feelings, but I will try. This might be the first step in me finding the connection with people I so deeply long for. It also might help others to understand people who are going through something similar to me.

Note that what I am describing below is what happens during an episode of extreme darkness. This is quite different from the darkness that I experience day-to-day as white noise. But I suppose that’s another entry!

So here it is, a glimpse into my inner world:

You say you are in pain, did anything happen?

Nope, nothing has happened. My life is absolutely fine – very peaceful.

So you just woke up and you were in pain?

Yes. Fine the day before, world comes crashing down the next. This also means though that it will lift just as randomly as it appeared.

What do you mean by pain?

It is a combination of both physical and emotional pain. The location and feeling differs during these periods of extreme darkness. This time round my pain was predominantly located over my heart, but later on in the week I also had pain under my belly.

The best way to describe what it feels like is – it’s feeling of tightness. Heaviness. Think of it like block in your body. Like how you may have stiff shoulders. But that tightness is felt on different parts of your body.

Is it a medical problem then?

I’m not a doctor so I can’t tell you. But the fact that the blocks seem to move constantly throughout the day suggests that it’s not quite a physical problem. I have my own theory as to what it is, but they’re very metaphysical.

Can you explain better what is going on with you emotionally?

Imagine yourself feeling deep, deep sadness. Add to that despair and anguish. These feelings are all concentrated in the blockages I’ve described earlier.

I’m sorry that you’re feeling that way.

Don’t be. I’m not. Please, please don’t feel sorry for me. I genuinely see this as a positive thing. It feels like an emotional cleanse. Think of it like a cold. The symptoms are not pleasant, but you know that your body is doing a good thing for itself. That’s what it feels like to me, and when I do come out of it I feel like something deep inside me has been released.

In addition, although I am observing the sadness, pain and anguish, most of the time I feel like my roots are still firmly on the ground. There is space between my sense of self and my darkness. One way to see it is like the ocean – the waves on top may be stormy but the bottom is calm and tranquil.

So you’re ok then?

Well, not really. I am in pain after all. If I get extreme episodes like I did this week, staying in the zen zone becomes extremely difficult. The space between my firm sense of self and my emotions starts to shrink. When this happens I can get lost in the darkness.

What happens then?

Think of your typical nervous breakdown. Hyperventilating, rocking back and forth, feelings of complete paralysis, saying the same thing over and over again…you get the picture. Not pretty.

You were fine at work though – surely your pain can’t be that serious?

Darkness/depression takes practice, and I have had 15 years of training. This is why I can function fairly normally at work. I have learnt how to still smile and make jokes despite the crushing sadness I feel on the inside. Also, when I am with people this takes my mind away from the pain on the inside.

But once I go home, it’s just my pain and I. This is when the true battle begins.

Is there anything you need during these times? What can I do to help?

I first will say that what I write here is what I personally need. Some people may have the same needs as me, others may be different. If you see someone in darkness, ask them what will help them.

Before writing what helps me heal, I’ll start off by what conversely makes things worse for me:

1) Feigned empathy

If seeing my pain and anguish is too much for someone, that is fine, I understand. I won’t take it personally. But if someone does say they would like to help, what exacerbates the hurt even more is if they shut me out because seeing my pain is difficult. I can feel it very, very strongly when people do. A wall goes up, and I can feel the person going into what I call ‘automatic fake empathy mode’. They will read out a learnt script of things to say to people when they are in pain – “I’m sorry to hear that…it will be ok…is there anything I can do etc.” . It’s their way of distancing themselves from me whilst also saying the ‘right’ things.

Again, I don’t want this to sound like an accusation. It’s ok if someone feels uncomfortable. I just want to say that feigned empathy hurts far more than someone straight up telling me that they don’t know what to do when they see me in this state. What I need more than anything during these times is a fully open heart, not a closed one.

2) Sympathy

I run a mile from people who show sympathy towards me if they see I am sad. They are the last people I turn to when I am in pain. Why? The last thing I want to hear is a ‘poor you’ type sentiment.

I am not a victim. I am not a broken human being. I stand proud in my darkness. I don’t feel sorry for myself, so why should you feel sorry for me?

Note that I do not think sympathy is the same as empathy. The former is to look down on someone, the latter to sit there equally with someone.

3) Giving me solutions

You probably hear this a lot (especially in relation to women), but solutions are next to useless when people are in darkness. Even if you did suggest something (e.g., how about exercise? How about meditating?) I really am not in a state or mood to do anything.

Also, I fully admit that this is a personal thing, but when people suggest solutions it triggers a pain point in me. The person may say, “why don’t you go to the gym?”, but my mind then translates that to – “you aren’t effectively coping with depression”. This personally makes me feel worse. But that is a thorn I need to pull out.

So on the flipside what helps? It’s extremely simply really…

1) Empathy

When I am in this state I am in pain, and as a result I deeply long for human connection. I want someone just to sit with me. Just to be with me. I want someone to sit and hold me while I cry out my pain, cry out the anguish. You do not need to say or do anything special. Please just connect with me and share the space with me.

2) Love

An open heart goes a long way. If you open your heart, I will feel it, and I will be ever so grateful for it. I promise I will do the same for you. Please accept me as I am in my darkness. Please do not try to change me. I don’t need advice. I don’t need guidance. Don’t tell me that I am doing anything wrong. I need love more than anything else during these times.

To Close

I have written my needs in this post, but I understand that ultimately I need to figure out a way to channel enough love for myself that I won’t need it externally. I’m working on it. Baby steps at a time.

Again, I hope that what I have written can close the gap between people who are going through darkness, and people who may not understand what we are going through.

The Rollercoaster

October 8, 2016 by lyra777 Leave a Comment

We often hear that life is like a rollercoaster.

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We get tossed and turned through its ups and downs, thrown mercilessly from one extreme to another.

When we are on top its a high. We look down upon the world and feel like we can do anything.

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But then there is the fall.

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Which can be sudden and frightening.

We can find ourselves plunged into darkness. Sad. Alone. Unable to see the light.
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This can be seconds, months, years…

But eventually we come out

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And start the process all over again.

After years and years of being on the roller coaster.

rollercoaster6 We ask ourselves, does it have to be this way? Do I have to be thrown around by life?

And then you realise, there is actually a door on the roller coaster.

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You can step out.

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And plant two feet firmly on the ground.

rollercoaster9 The rollercoaster stands tall above you and is still moving.

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But you simply watch in stillness and in peace.

When it plunges downward, you continue watching.

This is not to say you don’t feel the emotions you felt on that rollercoaster.

We all have an inner theme park within us so the emotions will still happen.

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But you are simply now watching the rollercoaster make its way up. You vicariously feel the high. When the rollercoaster plunges down, you also observe the despair and pain. However this is all now from the ground, all from a place of calm.

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You feel stillness and your emotions at exactly the same time.

Because you know you are safe, you don’t have to be scared about what is happening. Especially when the rollercoaster plunges into the dark. You don’t have to close your eyes anymore. You can look and really see what is happening.

When you do, you may discover something very surprising.

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That you constructed this inner rollercoaster yourself.

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Even those very dark tunnels.

Which means, that you can choose to reconstruct your rollercoaster in a different way.

Only after you’ve fully observed and understood the structure of the rollercoaster of course.

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So the next time you find yourself being tossed and turned around by what would appear to be external circumstances, use it as an opportunity to get off the rollercoaster and observe it. Even reconstruct it if you want to.

Stillness is possible.

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Afterword

This was the analogy that emerged in my head when I tried to explain to a friend about being the observer of our thoughts and emotions, and also about how meditation features in all of this.

Although there are many types of meditation each with different goals, one of the key things it does is to allow yourself to access the space, quiet and stillness that exists within. It also helps you access your inner observer. You no longer become your thoughts and emotions. You are just the neutral person hearing and feeling them.

Some people get frustrated with meditational practices because they can’t get their mind and emotions to quiet down. They think that by meditating they should be achieving a state of complete emptiness straight away.

Although this may be a state we may someday achieve, trying to repress what is bubbling up from inside will just make you feel frustrated with the practice, making it counterproductive. In fact, when meditating what you are doing is accessing more of who you really are. So all the thoughts and emotions that you didn’t want to look at will eventually come to the surface.

Accept them, embrace them and let them go. That’s what they wanted you to do in the first place 🙂 Then just gently return to your meditation (e.g., following your breath).

And remember, you don’t need to be tossed and turned mercilessly by life! Objectively life may throw you the biggest curve balls, but you can remain still within

Dear 20 Year Old Me

September 27, 2016 by lyra777 Leave a Comment

Saying goodbye to my 20s with a Roaring 20s Great Gatsby Party!

I have turned 30. Entering a new chapter of my life has made me reflect on how I have grown in the last decade. This then made me wonder – if I were to write a letter to my 20 year old self, what would I say to her?

Actually, if I were given the choice to send a letter back into the past, I wouldn’t. I would want 20 year old Marie to plunge into her new decade with the same ignorance I did. Why? Because my hardships and struggles have made me the woman I am today.

But if I had to pick six pieces of advice to say to her, perhaps I would say something like this.

(I also have a recommended reading list at the end of the entry based on what I’ve written, so please check out below if interested.)

1. Be your authentic self

In your twenties you believed that life is a performance. Every action, every conversation needs to be manipulated to bring about the ‘perfect’ outcome. That is, to have other people like you.

The problem with this is that because it’s an act brought about by fear – that is, the fear of not being liked – you spend all your energy trying to avoid this outcome as much as possible. To do so, you constantly suppress what you think and feel. This is nothing short of violence towards your self.

In fact, in not being honest you are not only hurting yourself, but you are doing all the people around you a disservice.

Life is too short to be anyone but yourself.

Remember these three things:

Be honest with your emotions

We may be taught that ‘emotional control’ is a sign of maturity. This may be so, but this is different from emotional suppression. If you deny and push down how you are feeling inside, it doesn’t miraculously go away – it gets stuck inside you. The result is that you become a volcano of emotions, waiting to explode. Often also, this leads to depression. It is possible to openly accept all the human emotions we feel – from happiness to anger to sadness. It is only through truly embracing them that you can let them go.

Be honest with your words

There is something to be said about radical honesty. You may feel like you are preventing people from getting hurt by choosing words carefully, but in actuality you are doing them a disservice by not telling them the truth. This doesn’t mean however, that you tell the person you hate that they are an asshole. This is not helpful. I very much recommend nonviolent communication as a means of getting across what you are thinking and feeling.

Be honest with your body

If your body tells you to stop, stop. Don’t push it beyond what it wants. You will find that to do otherwise will eventually hurt your body. You don’t have to push your body to the limits to achieve something. Yoga is a prime example – you work closely with your body, listening carefully to it and soon flexibility + strength follows.

2. Constantly let go

In Japanese there is a saying, ‘dan-sha-ri’. It means refusal, disposal and separation. Derived in part from yoga, it refers to the cleaning and throwing away of unwanted items.

The importance of this is perfectly demonstrated in the parable with the keen zen pracitioner and the enlightened master. ‘Teach me everything you know!’ the young practitioner said to the master. The master simply told him to pour him a cup of tea until he said stop. Even when the cup was overflowing the master said nothing, ‘The cup is flooding!’ the zen practioner exclaimed. ‘Yes’ said the master, ‘that cup is like your mind, how can I teach you anything if it’s full already?’.

If you don’t throw away things in your house, it clogs up. Mess builds. Life is the same. If you don’t constantly let go of things – may it be thoughts or emotions – they accumulate and you’ll simply have no space to let in the new. When you feel like you’ve hit a life block, then don’t do anything more. Instead, let go.

Oh, and on a side note, remember that your inner state and outer state are closely connected. If your room is messy, that’s probably a good sign that you need to do some cleaning on the inside. Conversely, an effective way to start your inner cleanse is through scrubbing the house and throwing away all unwanted items!

3. Remember that you can be the observer

In your early twenties you lived your life swayed by emotions and thoughts. It was like you were on a boat rocked constantly by a storm.

It doesn’t have to be this way, because one thing you must realise is that you are not your thoughts. You are not your emotions either.

You are, in fact, the observer of all of these things. You are the listener. You are the feeler. As such, you can choose not to react to what emerges from you. That is not to say you should suppress your thoughts and emotions (see ‘1) Be Your Authentic Self’). It just means you are fully present with your thoughts and emotions, while making the conscious choice not to respond to them.

Meditation is key to sharpening this technique.

4. Remember that all actions come out of love or ignorance

All actions come from love or ignorance. Even fear and anger come from ultimately not understanding what you are dealing with properly. Each and every single decision in life we have a choice as to whether or not we make it from these two states. And there are absolutely no excuses – ‘but that person was being horrible, I had no choice’, ‘I had to respond immediately’. No. We always have a choice, so long as you are totally present in the moment.

On a similar vein, remember there are no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ decisions. There are only decisions that either come or not come from the heart.

But surely there are ‘right’ decisions! You may say. For example, what if you invest in something and it is a huge success? Wouldn’t that be a correct decision? Well, what if after your successful investment, you become so well-known among your business peers that brings about jealously? What if someone backstabs you and steals all your money, leading you to suffer terrible poverty? Your ‘right’ decision may not seem so ‘right’ anymore.

My point is, you never know the complete consequences of what each decision brings. Some may be pleasant, but they can quickly become unpleasant too. So the only thing we can do in these circumstances is to ensure that every decision we make at least comes from a place of total openness and honesty both to ourselves and others.

5. Live with humility

In your twenties you are still struggling to find your place in the world. You believe that there is such a thing such as a ladder of success, and it is your job to work hard to climb up on it. As such, people lie above or below you on this hierarchy, and you have a drive keep on top of it. You are also terrified of falling behind.

It is time to let this idea go.

First, if you define ‘success’ as ‘being skilled at something’, you must realise that there will always be people better at everything single thing that you do. Even if you were an Olympic gold medal winning champion, one day your muscles won’t be what they used to be and someone else will take your spot.

Conversely though, there will also always be people who are less skilled at things than you. So just accept that there is this spectrum of people that will always surround you, no matter how good you become at something. Therefore it is pointless to get on the treadmill of being ‘at the top’.

More importantly though, remember that this whole idea of placing people and things on a scale is a mentally constructed one, so it can be abandoned. For example, let’s say you start sewing. If you break it down just to what it is, all you are doing is threading a needle in and out. And the experience can just end there. But if you come out of the present moment of performing this action and start comparing yourself with others, then suddenly you are ‘better’ or ‘worse’ than other people at it. You could have just stayed in the moment enjoying your sewing.

Humility is being in a state where you do not see the world anymore on a scale. Everything just is. There is no ‘better’ or ‘worse’. Things just are. Seeing and experiencing the world in this state will bring about a massive feeling of liberation.

6. If you want to live life to the fullest, play with it.

One of the biggest errors you made in your twenties was thinking success and suffering were synonymous. They really aren’t. Success may take lots of effort, yes, but it doesn’t have to involve suffering. Suffering is simply a mindset.

If you are the type of person who approaches life ‘seriously’ you may find yourself facing a lot of blocks in life. Why? Because this type of consciousness and attitude is actually very limiting, not to mention painful and boring.

Instead, think of life as a game. To play is to be creative, to be exploratory and to have fun. Approaching life as a big playroom helps you to more effortlessly navigate what it throws at you, no matter how hard it is. Even for things that may not seem like a playful event, such as a break-up, stressful exams or illness, try bending your attitude a little and see it within the context of a playroom anyways. This doesn’t mean you are not taking what has happened seriously. In fact, it’s the polar opposite. Because you want to approach all of these hardships in the most effective way possible, this is what you are doing. Less suffering from you means that you can be there and help out others during these hard times.

If you want to take life seriously, stop taking it seriously.