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People are Like Plants

January 5, 2017 by lyra777 6 Comments

People are very much like plants.

Plants need four things to grow – soil, time, sunlight and water.

plants

We are in fact exactly the same.

All the time we are incubating seedlings of wisdom that are waiting to blossom. We are fertile ground.

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We tell people how they should be growing their little plants, which is madness really. Your plant maybe a rose, and mine may be a cactus. If I applied the same requirements as you — lots of water in a temperate climate — my cactus will end up all shrivelled up.

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Yet, we say to others, you should grow like this, and you should grow like that, thinking that is best for them. This is only because it worked for our plant, but it may not work at all for theirs. We could be twisting their little plant to grow in a way it doesn’t want to.

We may also become impatient with other people’s growth process, demanding that they grow faster, that they act now. But no matter how much you yell at a plant, it will still grow at its own pace, because plants need time and patience to grow.

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Plants also need sunlight and water. This also will come naturally. As time passes, there will be inner weather changes. Sometimes we have days of bright, warm sunlight within, making us feel bursting with happiness and hope.

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But other days we are surrounded by dense clouds of sadness. They can become heavier and heavier, eventually enveloping us into darkness.

Fear not, because these very clouds will provide you with the second key ingredient to grow your seedling: water. Your very tears will be welcome nourishment for your little plant  of wisdom inching towards the sky.

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 As with all things in life we need a optimal balance of sunlight and water for our plants. Individual balances may vary — some plants may need more sunlight, others may need more rain.

However, sometimes we may find ourselves being enveloped in thick, dark clouds for long periods of time.  They can become so dense that we cannot pierce through them with our own little sunlight. Being in darkness for so long is unlikely to help our plant to grow.

Luckily no man is an island, and we have other people around us who can lend a helping hand. They can share their light when we can’t shine it on ourselves. There is another word for this — love.

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Often when other people consciously share their sunlight with us, our clouds will naturally start to rain. They can, in fact, pour. Floods of tears will come flowing down, and the rain will pitter and patter until your clouds will start to disappear. Eventually you will start to see the shimmering of your own sunlight again.

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And your plant can bask in its warmth.

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Now remember, sharing sunlight doesn’t mean trying to forcibly blast someone’s clouds away through pushing happiness on them. This can be very counterproductive. Yet, people using this method often can get frustrated as to why the other person is not responding to their happy bomb.

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The reason is simple. If you are throwing a happy bomb at someone, often (but not always) you are indirectly saying, “you shouldn’t be sad”. In other words, “I don’t want to accept you as you are”. This tends to be because people do not like to accept the clouds of sadness within themselves, so they do not want to be reminded of them through other people.

This is where remembering that people are like plants is so important. People’s little plants benefit from the sadness. They are nourished by tears. As such, accepting people as they are, in that moment in time, is crucial. Also, remember that plants need time to grow, so no amount of blasting with happy bombs will speed up the process.

Sunlight is love, and love is unconditional acceptance. It is a state of being. It is to warmly radiate your own sunlight on someone, gently telling them “you can be exactly who you are“.

Another mistake people make is to go in the polar opposite direction when trying to help people with clouds. Thinking that it’s inappropriate to be happy around them, they instead draw out their own clouds of gloom. Although on the surface this may seem like a form of empathy, in the long run this equally doesn’t help, because instead you are just darkening each other’s clouds together.

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Note that you will find that some people actually want to stay with their clouds of gloom. These people will prefer to be with people who darken their clouds further. This is fine if that is what people want. However, whilst this may give these people a temporary feeling of satisfaction, ultimately the little plant of wisdom will not grow by staying continuously in darkness.

Ultimately, our plants need their own unique mixture of of soil, time, rain and sunlight.

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As we go through cycles of rain and sunlight through the passing of time, sometimes aided by the sunlight of others, you will find that what was initially a little seedling inside…

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…will eventually sprout a stunning flower that radiates both deep insight and beauty.

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What kind of a plant do you have? 🙂

Afterword

The idea that people are like plants was one I had during my winter months of darkness.

I have learnt the importance of patience when it comes to self-development. Often I beat myself up for not feeling better quickly. But now I know that my plant will grow at its own pace. The best thing I can do for it is to lovingly accept it as it is.

I have also learnt the importance of accepting your sadness. We live in a hyper-positive world where the social expectation is that we need to be super duper happy all of the time. I’m sure I’m part of a large majority of people who see crying as a ‘weakness’ – even if it’s on a subconscious level. Although we may say to others that crying is ok, we still don’t want others to see us cry, and we feel uncomfortable when others do.  I picked up the idea that “crying = bad” at a very young age and I remember holding in a lot of tears as a young girl. This is maybe why I cry so much now.  I think I’m crying for the young girl inside that didn’t think she was allowed to cry.

Our plants need both sunlight and water. Our tears are crucial for our own emotional development. I once heard a beautiful quote – “Two things bring us closer to God, prayer and tears”. Crying can be the exact catharsis that we need. The only reason why I have some of the deep insights on life that I have today is because a few of my little plants have sprouted after years of going through both sunlight and rain. My “rainy seasons” (i.e. periods of depression) I know so far have been crucial for my own development.

Maybe I have tropical plants 😉

I also wrote this blog because I’ve been thinking a lot about how to help people who find themselves in thick clouds of darkness. Seeing what helps me has taught me a lot. I talk in this entry about the things that don’t help people with dark clouds, and that’s because I have made all of the mistakes I mention here. I have thrown happy bombs and I have further darkened others people’s clouds. I know I still make these mistakes, but then I’m only reminded about how they don’t work. Conversely I have been on the receiving end of both types of approaches, and I know that they have not helped me.

I have learnt that if someone can’t pierce through their dark clouds, just be with them and shine your sunlight of acceptance. This sometimes may mean just sitting with someone in silence. Then let the magic of time take over. Finally I want to extend my special thanks to JW and CH who have shared their wonderful sunlight with me during these recent cloudy times.

 

 

Filed Under: Depression, Love, Relationships, Self Discovery Tagged With: Depression, Friendships, Love, Relationships, Support

Having a Darkness Episode – Q&A

November 15, 2016 by lyra777 Leave a Comment

Last week, I had quite a strong episode of darkness, and I’m still coming out of it. It was hard, very hard. A common theme in my life is that I have no one to support me during these times. I have to cope on my own. As a result, the loneliness I feel is overwhelming. I spent all weekend alone in my flat crying from so much pain.

One reason why I don’t reach out to people during these times is that in the past I have found it to be very counterproductive. People find it difficult to understand what I am going through. As a result, at the end of the conversation all I am left with are painful feelings of being misunderstood. This exacerbates any already existing feelings of isolation and loneliness.

But I thought maybe…just maybe…if I could take the time out to describe what is going on with me, I can narrow the gap of misunderstanding between myself and others. It’s hard to explain to someone subjective feelings, but I will try. This might be the first step in me finding the connection with people I so deeply long for. It also might help others to understand people who are going through something similar to me.

Note that what I am describing below is what happens during an episode of extreme darkness. This is quite different from the darkness that I experience day-to-day as white noise. But I suppose that’s another entry!

So here it is, a glimpse into my inner world:

You say you are in pain, did anything happen?

Nope, nothing has happened. My life is absolutely fine – very peaceful.

So you just woke up and you were in pain?

Yes. Fine the day before, world comes crashing down the next. This also means though that it will lift just as randomly as it appeared.

What do you mean by pain?

It is a combination of both physical and emotional pain. The location and feeling differs during these periods of extreme darkness. This time round my pain was predominantly located over my heart, but later on in the week I also had pain under my belly.

The best way to describe what it feels like is – it’s feeling of tightness. Heaviness. Think of it like block in your body. Like how you may have stiff shoulders. But that tightness is felt on different parts of your body.

Is it a medical problem then?

I’m not a doctor so I can’t tell you. But the fact that the blocks seem to move constantly throughout the day suggests that it’s not quite a physical problem. I have my own theory as to what it is, but they’re very metaphysical.

Can you explain better what is going on with you emotionally?

Imagine yourself feeling deep, deep sadness. Add to that despair and anguish. These feelings are all concentrated in the blockages I’ve described earlier.

I’m sorry that you’re feeling that way.

Don’t be. I’m not. Please, please don’t feel sorry for me. I genuinely see this as a positive thing. It feels like an emotional cleanse. Think of it like a cold. The symptoms are not pleasant, but you know that your body is doing a good thing for itself. That’s what it feels like to me, and when I do come out of it I feel like something deep inside me has been released.

In addition, although I am observing the sadness, pain and anguish, most of the time I feel like my roots are still firmly on the ground. There is space between my sense of self and my darkness. One way to see it is like the ocean – the waves on top may be stormy but the bottom is calm and tranquil.

So you’re ok then? 

Well, not really. I am in pain after all. If I get extreme episodes like I did this week, staying in the zen zone becomes extremely difficult. The space between my firm sense of self and my emotions starts to shrink. When this happens I can get lost in the darkness.

What happens then?

Think of your typical nervous breakdown. Hyperventilating, rocking back and forth, feelings of complete paralysis, saying the same thing over and over again…you get the picture. Not pretty.

You were fine at work though – surely your pain can’t be that serious?

Darkness/depression takes practice, and I have had 15 years of training. This is why I can function fairly normally at work. I have learnt how to still smile and make jokes despite the crushing sadness I feel on the inside. Also, when I am with people this takes my mind away from the pain on the inside.

But once I go home, it’s just my pain and I. This is when the true battle begins.

Is there anything you need during these times? What can I do to help?

I first will say that what I write here is what I personally need. Some people may have the same needs as me, others may be different. If you see someone in darkness, ask them what will help them.

Before writing what helps me heal, I’ll start off by what conversely makes things worse for me:

1) Feigned empathy

If seeing my pain and anguish is too much for someone, that is fine, I understand. I won’t take it personally. But if someone does say they would like to help, what exacerbates the hurt even more is if they shut me out because seeing my pain is difficult. I can feel it very, very strongly when people do. A wall goes up, and I can feel the person going into what I call ‘automatic fake empathy mode’. They will read out a learnt script of things to say to people when they are in pain – “I’m sorry to hear that…it will be ok…is there anything I can do etc.” . It’s their way of distancing themselves from me whilst also saying the ‘right’ things.

Again, I don’t want this to sound like an accusation. It’s ok if someone feels uncomfortable. I just want to say that feigned empathy hurts far more than someone straight up telling me that they don’t know what to do when they see me in this state. What I need more than anything during these times is a fully open heart, not a closed one.

2) Sympathy

I run a mile from people who show sympathy towards me if they see I am sad. They are the last people I turn to when I am in pain. Why? The last thing I want to hear is a ‘poor you’ type sentiment.

I am not a victim. I am not a broken human being. I stand proud in my darkness. I don’t feel sorry for myself, so why should you feel sorry for me?

Note that I do not think sympathy is the same as empathy. The former is to look down on someone, the latter to sit there equally with someone.

3) Giving me solutions

You probably hear this a lot (especially in relation to women), but solutions are next to useless when people are in darkness. Even if you did suggest something (e.g., how about exercise? How about meditating?) I really am not in a state or mood to do anything.

Also, I fully admit that this is a personal thing, but when people suggest solutions it triggers a pain point in me. The person may say, “why don’t you go to the gym?”, but my mind then translates that to – “you aren’t effectively coping with depression”. This personally makes me feel worse. But that is a thorn I need to pull out.

So on the flipside what helps? It’s extremely simply really…

1) Empathy

When I am in this state I am in pain, and as a result I deeply long for human connection. I want someone just to sit with me. Just to be with me. I want someone to sit and hold me while I cry out my pain, cry out the anguish. You do not need to say or do anything special. Please just connect with me and share the space with me.

2) Love

An open heart goes a long way. If you open your heart, I will feel it, and I will be ever so grateful for it. I promise I will do the same for you. Please accept me as I am in my darkness. Please do not try to change me. I don’t need advice. I don’t need guidance. Don’t tell me that I am doing anything wrong. I need love more than anything else during these times.

To Close

I have written my needs in this post, but I understand that ultimately I need to figure out a way to channel enough love for myself that I won’t need it externally. I’m working on it. Baby steps at a time.

Again, I hope that what I have written can close the gap between people who are going through darkness, and people who may not understand what we are going through.

 

Filed Under: Depression Tagged With: Depression, Emotion

Adopting a Growth Mindset

November 7, 2016 by lyra777 Leave a Comment

In school we are graded on our work. If you work hard, listen and do exactly as the teacher says, you can get 100%. When you do, congrats! You’ve reached the end line. That’s exactly the place you want to be, and you should try everything to continuously maintain those marks.

This is the paradigm we’re taught, so it’s only natural that some of us start to apply the same principles to life. Because we think that life is like school, you start to believe that there is a way of life that earns you an ‘A’. That there is an ideal state of being that you should continuously be in. I call this the ‘plateau of perfection’.

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The existence of the plateau of perfection means that if you work hard, eventually you will reach some sort of nirvana. Of course, no one can really tell you what this is because it doesn’t exist. But in the meantime other people may give you their opinions on what flawlessness is, and you may take some of their opinions on board (“It’s getting into an Ivy League school”, “It’s getting an Olympic medal”, “It’s earning a six-figure salary”).

Now, the issue with this kind of mindset is that it’s very black and white. If in any way you deviate from this illusory plateau, you are failing. And when you’re failing at life, what is the point in doing anything?

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This leads to several toxic behavioural patterns known today as perfectionism. You become scared of falling from white into black territory, so you try everything to avoid feeling like you have. You are less likely to start something new because you don’t like to do things unless you are good at them. Even if you do begin learning a new skill, the moment you realise how behind you are compared to other people, or find yourself struggling to learn something, that is black territory so you quit. You don’t take criticism well because any sort of critique means that you have failed, that you haven’t achieved an ‘A’ in what you are doing.

This is all a big shame, because you are running away from opportunities to develop as a person. From my experience I have come to learn that there is no plateau of perfection. Growth is an infinite, continuous process, more like this:

plateau3

Now, the idea that there is no plateau of perfection in life may be a daunting concept for some people. If there is no end-point what’s the point of even doing anything? If you find yourself thinking this, then probably you are what I call an ‘end-ist’. You see life just as set of goals, and have a tendency to miss out on the enjoyment that comes from the actual process of doing things (if you do find identifying with this description, I highly encourage you watch this Alan Watts video).

I too used to be like this, but not anymore. Now I believe that our purpose in life is to savour all elements that emerge in the present moment. As such, infinite growth presents a wonderful opportunity to forever experience new and exciting things. Think of it like you are running a leisurely marathon. As you jog along you will pass a variety of sceneries – parks, forests and buildings – all of which you can relish as you go along. This is the beauty of continually developing.

Also, you may have noticed that life works in a funny way. The moment you start to plateau and think that you’ve ‘made it’, it throws at you challenges that encourage you to grow even more. And it will do so for the rest of your life, reminding you that there is no plateau.

This is why we hear experts say that they are still learning something new everyday. They are humble because they know that there will forever be things that can be learnt. There is no room for arrogance because whatever we believe to be ‘true’ will eventually all shift and change.

Personally, I find the growth mindset extremely liberating. There is no need to rush to get to any end point, because it doesn’t exist. Instead, enjoy looking at the different sceneries as you jog along your chosen path.

Filed Under: Self Discovery Tagged With: Growth, Perfectionism, Self-development

Why I Don’t Like the Word ‘Mental Illness’

October 11, 2016 by lyra777 Leave a Comment

Personally, I do not like the word “mental illness”.  I don’t like it purely because it is not aligned with how I currently understand depression.

Please note that what I am writing now is simply an opinion piece based on my own 15 year journey with darkness. I am not saying that this wording is wrong. It may work perfectly fine for others, and that’s truly great. We all should chose words and phrases that work for us. I will explain however why I don’t like this word because I think it helps explain how I do see depression.

To start off, I am not keen on the fact that the word ‘mental’ is used, just because I feel like it puts the focus on the head, i.e. to thoughts. My experience with darkness is that actually you need to clear the head and embrace feelings (psychologists may argue that feelings come from the ‘head’ too, but I’m just referring to word associations here).

Most of all, the word ‘illness’ has a lot of ideas associated with it that I feel actually blocks the road to healing. These include:

  1. That there is something wrong with the person.
  2. That whatever is going with the person is something that is beyond their control, like when someone catches a cold.

To elaborate on each:

  1. That there is something wrong with the person.

If you have darkness there is nothing ‘wrong’ with you. Science may tell you that you have faulty neurochemistry and that your thoughts are biased and skewed. I’m not saying this is not true. But I feel like the idea that all this should be interpreted as something that is ‘bad’ should be seriously challenged.

Darkness is simply another experience. A painful one, but just another human experience nonetheless. It’s not bad nor good. It just is. To label yourself as damaged goods through the word ‘illness’ is to hinder your own development.

Furthermore, darkness is such a crucial growing opportunity. Despite all the pain and suffering, ultimately it makes you blossom deeply as a person. You are not a victim of circumstances. You have been bestowed by life with a very important gift.

I personally feel that ‘illness’ is generally seen as a ‘bad’ thing in society. Now illness itself of course is neither good nor bad as well. So if you have a neutral view on this word there is no problem. But as personally I have grown up to feel that it is not a good thing, I prefer not to use it to describe depression.

2. That whatever is going with the person is something that is beyond their control, like how someone has caught a virus.

I know that this point may not sit well with other people who currently have depression, but I do feel strongly about this through my own experience. I feel like in saying that depression is a mental illness, some people abandon all responsibility form it. “It’s not my fault, it’s my biological disposition towards having wonky neurochemistry”. I was certainly one of those people.

Now, I’m not saying that if you have depression it’s your fault. I am saying though that you need to take responsibility for your feelings. Remember that they are your feelings and experiences. You have accept that the shadow that you have comes from you, instead of it coming from outside of you.

Depression is also such a crucial opportunity to look within. To question everything around you, to think about the point of life, to break down all sorts of mental paradigms that you had. So I personally have made the choice to not go on medication. I want to feel my pain. Because I know that it is only through truly feeling it, and making it a part of me, that I heal.

Once again, I know I am going into debatable territory here in writing this. I am fully aware of the millions of people whose lives have been saved through medication. I do think that drugs may be a crucial way of lending a helping hand when you are drowning. A life buoy to support you. But ultimately it only helps you stay afloat. You need to swim yourself back to shore. If you label yourself as ‘ill’ , take medication and make no effort to search within, you probably will find yourself stuck in the same predicament over and over again because there is no growth. This is why I think we need to be careful when using the word ‘illness’ to describe depression.

Finally, the idea of mental illness as something uncontrollable goes against my biggest breakthrough insight regarding depression.

That darkness is a choice.

‘Don’t be silly, who would choose to be depressed?!’, I hear you say. I understand. I would have slapped any person who would have said this to me in the past. Yet this has been one of the most profound discoveries I have made as a result of meditating and sitting with my darkness for many years.

Our choice to be in darkness – feeling powerless, despair, sadness – happens at such a subconscious level, that it may require you to dig through layers and layers of yourself before you see why you are choosing not to let go of these emotions. It may be that being in a disempowered place feels safer. It may be that seeing yourself as the victim is comforting. It may be that you don’t want to let go of your pain because without it you feel empty. It may be that you were conditioned to engage with these emotions at at such a young age you didn’t know that you could choose to feel otherwise. The list is endless.

But they all point to the same truth – because you are choosing to be in darkness, you also have the choice of stepping into the light.

I personally do this through meditation, visual imagery and emotional freedom technique, and will be happy to share my methods with anyone who is interested.

So there you have it, a bit of my story with depression through a summary of why I don’t like the word mental illness. Happy world mental health day!

Do you agree with word ‘mental illness’? What is your journey with it? I would love to hear from you. Please do leave a comment.

 

Filed Under: Depression

The Rollercoaster

October 8, 2016 by lyra777 Leave a Comment

We often hear that life is like a rollercoaster.

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We get tossed and turned through its ups and downs, thrown mercilessly from one extreme to another.

When we are on top its a high. We look down upon the world and feel like we can do anything.

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But then there is the fall.

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Which can be sudden and frightening.

We can find ourselves plunged into darkness. Sad. Alone. Unable to see the light.
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This can be seconds, months, years…

But eventually we come out

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And start the process all over again.

After years and years of being on the roller coaster.

rollercoaster6We ask ourselves, does it have to be this way? Do I have to be thrown around by life?

And then you realise, there is actually a door on the roller coaster.

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You can step out.

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And plant two feet firmly on the ground.

rollercoaster9The rollercoaster stands tall above you and is still moving.

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But you simply watch in stillness and in peace.

When it plunges downward, you continue watching.

This is not to say you don’t feel the emotions you felt on that rollercoaster.

We all have an inner theme park within us so the emotions will still happen.

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But you are simply now watching the rollercoaster make its way up. You vicariously feel the high. When the rollercoaster plunges down, you also observe the despair and pain. However this is all now from the ground, all from a place of calm.

rollercoaster12

You feel stillness and your emotions at exactly the same time.

Because you know you are safe, you don’t have to be scared about what is happening. Especially when the rollercoaster plunges into the dark. You don’t have to close your eyes anymore. You can look and really see what is happening.

When you do, you may discover something very surprising.

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That you constructed this inner rollercoaster yourself.

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Even those very dark tunnels.

Which means, that you can choose to reconstruct your rollercoaster in a different way.

Only after you’ve fully observed and understood the structure of the rollercoaster of course.

rollercoaster15

rollercoaster16

So the next time you find yourself being tossed and turned around by what would appear to be external circumstances, use it as an opportunity to get off the rollercoaster and observe it. Even reconstruct it if you want to.

Stillness is possible.

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Afterword

This was the analogy that emerged in my head when I tried to explain to a friend about being the observer of our thoughts and emotions, and also about how meditation features in all of this.

Although there are many types of meditation each with different goals, one of the key things it does is to allow yourself to access the space, quiet and stillness that exists within. It also helps you access your inner observer. You no longer become your thoughts and emotions. You are just the neutral person hearing and feeling them.

Some people get frustrated with meditational practices because they can’t get their mind and emotions to quiet down. They think that by meditating they should be achieving a state of complete emptiness straight away.

Although this may be a state we may someday achieve, trying to repress what is bubbling up from inside will just make you feel frustrated with the practice, making it counterproductive. In fact, when meditating what you are doing is accessing more of who you really are. So all the thoughts and emotions that you didn’t want to look at will eventually come to the surface.

Accept them, embrace them and let them go. That’s what they wanted you to do in the first place 🙂 Then just gently return to your meditation (e.g., following your breath).

And remember, you don’t need to be tossed and turned mercilessly by life! Objectively life may throw you the biggest curve balls, but you can remain still within

Recommended Reading

Although my obvious reading choices for this post would be The Power Of Now – A Guide To Spiritual Enlightenment by Eckhart Tolle and The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself by Michael A Singer, for this post I recommend also a book written by the latter author, The Surrender Experiment: My Journey into Life’s Perfection. An absorbing and inspiring account of how a man remained in his place of stillness even when the s**t really hit the fan (I’m talking being arrested by the FBI for a crime he did not commit!).

Filed Under: Self Discovery Tagged With: Attachment, Being present, Emotion, Fear, Meditation

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About Me

Hi there! I'm Marie. I'm a behavioural science consultant with a PhD in cognitive neuroscience. I explore what sets us free and brings us peace. A millennial-in-awakening. Read More…

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