Marie Buda

Discovering the River Towards Inner Freedom

A Survival Guide for Optimists

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“I have a dream….” boomed Martin Luther King. Today he is hailed as a visionary who sparked a whole civil rights moment that changed American history. Like Martin Luther King, the optimists of this world inspire others to march into a better future. They bring in innovative ideas because they are hopeful enough to fiercely believe in their visions. They remind us that even when times are rough, there is always a silver lining.

Despite these strengths, it is important to remember that unmanaged optimism can lead to naivety. It is perfectly encapsulated by the archetypal image of “The Fool” found in tarot cards. A happy, young boy can be seen proudly marching into the world, full of innocence and optimism. However, his eyes are looking so far into the sky that he doesn’t notice that right in front of him is the edge of a cliff. If he walks on any further without carefully observing his circumstances, he is going to fall down. Hard. This striking image tells us that a person who does not resolve their naiveté will eventually get burnt by the world. This, if left unresolved, can lead to disillusionment.

As a passionate optimist myself who chronically believes in puppies and rainbows, I have learnt over the years that you need to use your optimism wisely. I have compiled here some tips to help other optimists make best use of their personality trait. Note that the following advice is tailored more towards what I call “strong optimists” rather than to subtle optimists.

 

1) Balance your optimism with “getting real”

Strong optimists do not only see the glass as half full, but as mentioned they tend to be dreamers. They envision all sorts of futures because they see them as genuinely possible. This “can do” attitude can be uplifting, but it is not without its warnings.

It is great to have a dream, but it is called precisely that because it does not exist in this world yet. Creative visions come in an instant, but manifestation is bound by the constraints of time and energy. Your naive optimists are the ones who start a new hobby hoping to be a professional in a few weeks. They are the ones who announce that they have a million dollar idea which they believe will make them rich by next month. Obviously, this is a sinking disappointment waiting to happen.

To those who identify themselves as the people above, I’m very sorry to say but achieving any dream takes time, dedication and hard work. There is a need to first ground ourselves in reality to know where we are starting from, and which steps to take. Only then can we start to accurately calculate how much time and effort it will actually take us. Remember that your vision is your north star, but you need to know where you are currently on your map.

Learning about the constraints of time and energy will probably be a trial and error process. Your plans will constantly be overly ambitious and frustration will be felt. Each time you do get impatient and worry that things are not progressing as quickly as you hoped they would, do not see this as a sign that you have failed. Instead, congratulate yourself as you now know to give yourself more time in the future. Remember to keep a growth mindset. It might even be worth journaling how long things take for you, as optimists’ sense of time can get quite distorted. By all means continue to optimistically hold your goals in mind. But after you project to the future, remember to come back to present reality.

 

2) Accept that the world is full of both light and darkness

Over time, I’ve discovered that some of the strongest pessimists I’ve met were actually disillusioned optimists. They simply could not accept that there were awful things happening, whether it be within their own lives or with the terrible state of the Earth. They had problems letting go of the idea that the world should currently look like something else.

The disillusioned optimist must understand that even though the world will get better everyday, it will also get worse. We have better healthcare than ever before, but its commercialisation means that millions of people who really need it never get it. We have mobile phones and the internet to keep us all connected, but our privacy is now easily invaded. It is simply the yin and yang of life, and it will always be that way.

All this doesn’t mean you have to throw away your optimism. You can certainly choose to focus on the bright side of life, and continue to strive for a better future. However, this simultaneously must be done by also accepting life’s darkness. Even if you try and run away from it, the ugly side of this world will squirm its way into your life, shocking your system time and time again until you are forced to accept its presence.

In recent times this was seen with the election of President Trump. Many liberals were horrified and spent weeks mourning the outcome. Their optimistic vision of a better world was shattered. Some have still not accepted it, and you can see their anger and pain as they talk about politics. However, to not accept a disappointing reality is to be eternally stuck in the past. To say, “this shouldn’t have happened” will never do you any favours, because it just did and you can’t change that. A much healthier approach would have been to say, “Ok, Trump happened, I accept. Now what are our next steps?” . Acceptance followed by healthy optimism can keep us flowing and moving into the future.

 

3) Learn to accept pain, discomfort and disappointment

Some optimists have a view that there is a “perfect” version of their lives, one with never-ending happiness, success and freedom from any discomforts. When pain inevitably hits, whether it be emotional or physical, disappointment quickly ensues. Consequently, the optimist may quickly descend into a victim mentality crying out, “how could this be happening to me?!”.

Well, it’s happening because that is how the world works. Yet, it’s hard for optimists to accept this sometimes. This can lead to a desperate attempt to escape from the discomfort and pain they feel. Disembodiment happens as people escape into their heads and distract themselves to lessen the blow. As I’ve mentioned in a previous blog post, this kind of suppression can lead to depression.

We will always, always, have to deal with pain. To deal with this fact of life, remember what the Buddhists say: pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. Suffering only occurs through denial of the present moment. It can be transcended through surrendering and accepting the now. Even uncomfortable feelings can be felt from a place of peace if one is truly centred. In this way, you aren’t creating resistance towards what is occurring within you.

Obviously, some types of discomfort are easier to deal with than others. Some people live day-to-day with excruciating chronic pain. Yet, often it is precisely these people who are the most centred, because they are forced to find a way to be at peace with it. In fact, it is the minor pangs of hurt that keep people in an unhealthy mental state, as they still can run away from it. The probability of temporary distress increases if optimists don’t let go of the idea that creating a trouble-free Garden of Eden is possible. In acknowledging that your life always will have pain, the pressure to try to get rid of it will be lifted and moments of suffering will lessen.

To start the rehabilitation process there is a need to get back into our bodies. Techniques such as mindful breathing, body scanning and meditation will help you melt into your uncomfortable sensations. Remember that pain and discomfort can be very healthy reminders to assess whether we need to avoid things and choose another path. We have it built into our systems so we don’t make errors such as touching a very hot stove twice. If an optimist feels pain because their positive expectations aren’t met, they can use the pain constructively to reassess their circumstances. If they try to avoid feeling it, they may end up making the same mistakes over and over again.

 

To Close

Choosing to abandon our utopic vision of the world actually doesn’t make us more miserable, it makes us happier. As a result we set more realistic goals so we can achieve our dreams, aren’t as shocked when disappointment hits, and are more likely to find inner peace by accepting pain. Finally, I have focused this entry on optimists, but we must also not forget the pessimists of this world. They too, have their strengths and weaknesses. We need the pessimists of this world to remind us to take a reality check now and then, and they need us to show them that change is in fact possible. Together we create a unique balancing act that is part of the human experience.

Do You Want To Help Someone With Depression? Don’t try.

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Do not try to help someone with depression.

“How can you even say that?” I hear you yelling. “You can’t just leave someone in pain alone. Surely they want help too!”

Sure, I agree. I have struggled with depression for 15 years. But hear me out.

I mentioned in a previous post that a key reason for depression is emotional suppression. The person in front of you is suffering because they cannot accept something. This could be an aspect of themselves (“I hate myself”), or it could be an event that has occurred to them (“How could this be happening to me?”). If they are depressed, they have been suppressing a whole host of emotions inside, such as sadness, anger or regret. The only way to release oneself from this suffering is to completely and fully accept the present, to embrace everything that is occurring both internally and externally (note that this is not the same as passivity). The opposite of depression is to freely express one’s soul.

So this is where the problem of trying to “help” someone with depression lies. You may relieve the suffering of someone as the end result of being with someone, but to have the intention to “save” or “help” will lead to suffering for both parties. To feel that you want to help someone with depression also involves motivations like, “I want to make you happy” or “I don’t want you to be in pain”. This may seem like a noble sentiment, but here is the problem. The flip-side of these thoughts are: “I want to try and change your mood”. If this is the ultimate impetus behind what you are doing, you are actually denying how the person is in the present. In thinking, “I want to make you happy”, you are simultaneously saying, “I do not want you to be who you are in this present moment”. You are not accepting their darkness. This is precisely the opposite of what people with depression need (see also my article on the challenges of being an Empath).

Remember there are no “good” or “bad” moods. All emotions — even painful ones — need to be accepted in order to be released. If the person in front of you is in pain, give them space to accept that pain. To try to do something to change that is to block the natural process of things. It is like building a dam in a river that wants to flow. To approach someone with the intention of helping, while seeming like a great intention, actually is subconsciously sending the message, “I don’t want you to be who you are”. This is not love.

This tactic will backfire too. If you approach people like this, soon you will find a lot of people who won’t respond to your “help”, because in fact you aren’t really helping them in the first place. This will just lead to disappointment and frustration on your end. You may even get angry at the person wondering why they don’t get better more quickly when you’re offering so much “help”. Well, now you know why.

Don’t try and help someone in emotional pain. If you feel a tug to be with them, then go with the flow and be with them. Literally. Just BE. Don’t make solving their problems your goal. Being present can manifest in an infinite number of forms. Anything could happen while you are with the other person. You may want to just be silent. You may listen, you may speak. You may even end up giving them advice. But it all comes from a place of not trying to forcibly change anything around you and going with the flow.

It is highly likely that if you do this, the almost paradoxical end result is that you have helped this person. But “helping” shouldn’t be your first intention.  The person suffering is in a state of non-acceptance regarding a lot of things. You being in a state of presence will draw them into your healing light. In fully accepting them, you help them accept themselves.

Bottom line, if you really want to help someone with depression, let that sentiment go. Being yourself, and in doing so inviting them to be themselves, is the best medicine you can offer.

Depression and Emotional Suppression

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One of the biggest misunderstandings about depression

I was on the phone with my friend and told her that I was depressed and struggling. We didn’t dwell on it, and she asked what I had planned for the next coming weeks. I told her about my plans to attend a wedding in Surrey, a business trip to Florida as well a trip back home to Japan to attend another wedding.

“Your life isn’t miserable at all!” she said.

I think my friend’s response represents a typical misunderstanding people have about depression: that it always occurs when something bad has happened. Therefore on the same vein, if your life isn’t demonstrably “bad”, your sadness and misery are not justified. Typical manifestations of this attitude can lead to painful statements along the lines of:

“Cheer up, your life isn’t that bad”

“You should be grateful for all the things you have”

“And why are you so upset?”

I want to take this opportunity to clear up this bias once and for all:

Terrible things do not need to happen for depression to occur.

Now, there is indeed a very strong correlation behind critical, upsetting events and depression. But as we all know correlation is not causation. In this post, I want to talk about what I have discovered to be one of the key causes of depression — emotional suppression. Once this is understood, it is easy to see why critical events often lead to depression, and also why equally they are not needed for it to occur.

 

The Link Between Depression and Emotional Suppression

All of us go through hardships. At times the majority of us will feel emotions of sadness, helplessness, defeat and low self-esteem. However some of us aren’t very good at fully processing these emotions. Instead of letting them pass through us, we push them down. We become aware that they are bubbling up, but we isolate ourselves from our bodies and try to distract ourselves using things such as work, exercise, food or drink. Another very common escape mechanism is to focus our energy on our mind. Instead of connecting and embracing our emotions with our full being, we start to compulsively think. Hence why rumination comes hand-in-hand with depression. So long as we talk in our heads about why we are not happy, that at least saves us from feeling how much in pain we are.

Ironically, this tactic backfires. All those emotions that we push down eventually will reach a tipping point. It’s almost like garbage piling up. Unless you continuously pick up and throw things away, it will start to rot and smell. Depression is a warning sign that your emotions have piled up for far too long, and that they need to be processed ASAP. Think of it as emotional constipation. It is your soul crying out, begging you to confront how you actually are inside. This might be the reason why we feel like we need to be alone when we are depressed. It is our body’s way of telling us to take a time-out to just be with ourselves.

You now may be able to see the connection between critical events and depression. When something terrible happens a tsunami of emotion invades. This can be very overwhelming, almost as if a truck has hit you. It’s only natural that a coping mechanism is to start pushing some of the emotion down to deal with later. However if left for too long it will pile up and, boom – depression. However, you can also see that equally dreadful things need not have occurred for someone to have depression. It can also occur as a result of a drip-drip effect. By the time the darkness finally manifests it could be after various feelings have built up over days, weeks or years. This is why things don’t need to be terrible for a person to have depression.

Now, if you are currently struggling with depression you may be thinking, “How can you say that I’m not feeling my emotions? Every day I feel like crap! I’d much rather be feeling nothing!”. I say all this because the sinking sensation of depression is not the core feeling that you are suppressing. To re-use the garbage example, depression is the rotting smell, but not the garbage itself. When you sit down and really connect with the pain, it is likely that you will find a whole mixture of emotions swirling around, including anger, fear, helplessness and sadness. So many of us have mastered the art of suppressing our emotions that we don’t even know that we are doing it. Even if we want to feel what is inside, we genuinely don’t know what is there. And if we did, most of the time we don’t want to look at them. After all, there was a good reason why we hid them from ourselves in the first place.

Furthermore, connecting with our emotions is one thing, but fully accepting and loving them – that’s a whole other thing all together. Let’s say for example, that you look inside and start feeling that you have anger towards a very close friend of yours. You then realise that is because you are jealous towards him/her. An immediate reaction is that this is wrong, that it’s very petty of yourself to feel jealousy, and that this friend is such an amazing person who doesn’t deserve someone feeling this way towards her. Besides, just because you feel this way what can you do about it? This then leads to suppression again.

There is nothing wrong with feeling anything. Feelings are just feelings. Nothing more, nothing less. Yet throughout the years we are taught that some feelings are acceptable, and some are not. That some emotions are justified based on the external circumstances, and some are not. That there is “no point” in allowing yourself feel certain emotions. All of this is utter madness, not to mention toxic. The reality is, we must love and accept every emotion that passes through us.**  The opposite of depression is not happiness, but the freedom to experience spontaneous feelings.

 

The Importance of Having Open Listeners

I hope now you can see why statements such as, “Cheer up, your life isn’t that bad”, is as counter-productive as it gets. The person in front of you is depressed because they believe that they are not allowed to express certain emotions. Therefore in telling them to “cheer up” you are telling them yet again to shove down how they are feeling. In essence, you are reinforcing precisely the toxic behaviour that has gotten them into darkness in the first place.

This is why you may have noticed that people with low self-esteem shut down even more when you tell them that they shouldn’t feel that way. People with depression don’t need you to try and change their minds. Nor do they want solutions either. When a person approaches you with their pain, what they require is for you to show them that feeling bad is totally fine, regardless of the circumstances that underlie it. What they desperately need you to do is to hold a loving, safe space for expression. To be an open listener.

If you open your heart to that person’s emotions, simply by being very present in the moment, this automatically shows the person that their emotions are perfectly fine. If someone says they feel worthless, let them know there is nothing wrong then with that (“I see, that must be really painful”), instead of bombarding them with evidence on why they shouldn’t be feeling this way. It’s only after the emotion is accepted and released — often in the form of tears — that you can perhaps discuss how worthy of love you think they are. But it is incredibly important to wait until the catharsis has happened.

 

How to Listen

So how does one listen with an open heart? My personal answer to this is to employ mindful listening. When practicing mindfulness, you calm the chatter in your mind and let your awareness expand. The key is to not be in a mindset where you feel like you want change the person or fix things for them. You are simply there, experiencing the space with them. If listening to them brings up emotions within you, notice them with full acceptance as you would in meditation. You being your honest, raw self in the moment will help the other person also embrace their authenticity. You accepting them, exactly how they are, is the greatest show of love (I have written another article on how to be with someone with depression).

 

To Close

I am really surprised that emotional suppression and depression aren’t talked about more often. After being introduced to this idea a few years ago it quickly became clear to me that this really was a key cause of it – at least for me. I am not saying however that it is the only cause. Depression is incredibly multifaceted and each sufferer manifests his or her own unique version. As such, the reasons behind it can slightly differ. Yet, the more I talk to people with depression, the more I do see that this could be a common cause for so many of us.

I see people often at a loss as to how to help people with depression, and because of this end up accidentally talking to people in a counter productive way. In fostering an understanding of how emotional suppression can be contributing to depression, this can not only help people with this issue understand better what is going on with them, but can also help those who have loved ones with depression support them in the best possible way.

 

Feb. 10th, 2018: Since writing this entry I have written a follow-up post where I talk about ways of embracing your emotions again.

Apr. 4th, 2018: I have written a follow-up post on how to help someone with depression.

**Note that this is not the same as acting on the emotion. If you feel hate, that is fine and should be accepted, but you don’t need to act on it.

A Survival Guide for Highly Empathic People

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I’m a highly empathic person. I not only pick up on other people’s emotions easily, but I also feel them strongly. If you are mad, I can rage with you. If you are happy, I can giggle with you. If you are sad, I will cry with you.

Being high in empathy can be both a blessing and a curse depending on how you manage it. Much like a knife. The knife itself is harmless. Use it well and it’s a tool for chopping up food or even carving art, but if you’re not careful it can leave you with a deep wound. Empathy is the same – it can be fantastic tool to help understand and connect to others, but if used carelessly it will product a lot of misery, both to yourself and to people close to you.

If I were to give advice to other people who are high in empathy, I would say these three things:

  • Learn the difference between unconscious and conscious empathy
  • Become comfortable with emotional pain
  • Compassion is the only thing that heals, not sympathy or empathy

 

1) Learn the difference between unconscious and conscious empathy

Even though empathy is bundled into one thing, I have come to learn that there is a difference between unconscious and conscious empathy.

In a nutshell:

Unconscious empathy — when you feel another person’s emotions and get lost in them (or use Buddhist speak, “identify with them”). “Your pain is my pain and it is beyond my control”.

Conscious empathy — when you feel another person’s emotions, while still being fully grounded in your own being. You observe their feelings with nonattachment. There is space between their pain and your sense of self. “I feel your pain, but I know this is not my pain and I will lovingly accept them and let them go”.

Conscious empathy can help heal, whilst unconscious empathy can cause harm.

How can unconscious empathy hurt people?

The problem of unconscious empathy can be seen best when two people high in empathy get together. Imagine an empath lives with another empath. Let me call them Empath A and Empath B.

Both of them feel emotions strongly, and they can pick up on what the other person is feeling without even having to explain things to each other. This can be great, because so much of living together can be effortless. If something bad happens, without having to say a word the other person will know and will rush to the rescue.

 

Imagine however, that instead of having a one-off drop in mood, Empath A has something more chronic, such as depression, bereavement or a prolonged tough period at work. Empath A is just about navigating the maelstrom of emotions that are coursing through their being. Meanwhile, because Empath B is using unconscious empathy to relate, they are also going along the roller coaster ride. So long as Empath A is down, Empath B is down. This is the danger of unconscious empathy.

Things aren’t easier for Empath B either, because they don’t want to come home to someone so miserable all the time. Empath B starts to get bitter and angry at Empath A for “causing” their discomfort, and starts to complain to their friends about how frustrated they are that Empath A is “not getting it together”. Empath A picks up on all this and feels angry that Empath B cannot be more understanding of their hardship. As they both descend deep into the toxic spiral of unconscious empathy, none of them are getting better. This can eventually lead to a friendship breaking apart.

The bottom line with unconscious empathy is this: If you practice unconscious empathy, you will be at the mercy of other people’s emotions.

Other people’s emotions will control you, rather than the other way around. You getting lost in another person’s sadness or anger will not help either of you. All you are doing is adding fuel to fire, a phenomenon which I’ve dubbed, “bringing in the clouds of doom”. Yes, the person talking to you may feel slightly better from being listened to, and you may feel content from having shown so much empathy to their problems (in a martyr-type way – “I am such a good friend I will be just as miserable as you”), but believe me, you becoming just as sad as the other person has done nothing to help alleviate their pain.

 

2) Become comfortable with emotional pain

People who are high in empathy seem to have a huge aversion towards emotional pain, perhaps because so many of us are also highly sensitive people (HSPs). Any emotional blow that happens inside is like trying to manage an atomic bomb going off within. So most empaths will do whatever they can to avoid feeling these darker emotions not only in themselves, but in others too.

On the surface, this can make the empath seem like a very caring person, always coming to the rescue to help everyone around them be happy. The reality however, is that most of the techniques empaths use to do this is to escape pain themselves. These include: quickly changing the subject to try to cheer the other person up, throwing “happy bombs” or using default vacuous sympathy statements (“I’m so sorry to hear you’re not well”).

Another more subtle way that empaths demonstrate this tendency to want to escape pain is by rejoicing more than anyone when a person previously in pain becomes better again:

This may seem to others like this person truly “cares”, but what actually lies behind their reaction is something much more selfish — they are simply expressing joy from being released from agony. Ironically, it is the very suffering the other empath has inflicted on themself because of unconscious empathy.

This can be saddening to the person in pain, because the bottom-line message that the other person is giving is: “I didn’t like it when you were sad (because I’m sad)”, “I don’t want you to be upset (because I’m upset)” or “I don’t want to accept you when you are down (because I don’t accept myself when I’m down)”. Part of Empath A now feels ashamed and invalidated. This does not help with healing.

Until we are comfortable with our own pain, we cannot accept others’ pain. Until we can accept others’ pain we cannot help them heal.

We must sink into our own discomfort, melt into it as if that’s exactly what life is about, as if we chose this pain for ourselves. Only then will compassion towards others naturally flow out.

 

3) Compassion is the only thing that heals, not sympathy or empathy

Because of the issues created by unconscious empathy, during times of chronic depression I found my anguish being relieved more hanging out with less empathic people. This was because they seemed completely unaffected by my condition. It had no emotional impact on them, because they couldn’t feel my pain. This also meant that they had no desires regarding how they wanted me to be, unlike my empathic friends who clearly wanted me to be happy again ASAP. They were more likely to just accept me how I was. That, I noticed, was far more important when it came to healing.

Ultimately the only thing that heals is compassion. To share your light with the other person and to show that you accept them how they are, sadness and all.

So is empathy a hindrance to helping people? I really don’t think so. I actually think empathy and compassion can be the ultimate healing combination so long as the former is used consciously. I mentioned earlier about people with less empathy making me feel lighter during times of depression. While I was happier after seeing them, it did always feel like a bit of a Band-Aid. As they didn’t understand my pain, they didn’t know how to talk about it. So we usually ended up talking about something else. It was an effective distraction. At the end of the day though, you still want someone to understand what you are going through so healing can take place.

This is where conscious empathy comes in. The method is identical to meditative practice. You feel the other person’s emotions, but you don’t attach yourself to them. You let them fizzle out naturally. You don’t make any judgements about them either, as any resistance to the emotion will only lead to a feeling that wasn’t yours being stuck in your body.

If you can find a way to use your empathy to simply understand what the person is going through, without getting lost or attached to the emotions, then this can lead to conversations where you can delve deeper into the other person’s wound. You accepting their emotions will help them accept theirs, which will in turn lead to healing. If used correctly, you may also find you notice emotions that the other person didn’t even know they had. You’d be surprised by how much emotion we hide from ourselves. Compassion can then follow and let the healing happen.

 

Final comment

To close, I have to mention the ultimately challenging part of being an empath. Even though I have written a whole blog post on the damage unconscious empathy can do, it doesn’t mean that now you should try to change yourself. If you are an empath and you find yourself wanting someone in darkness to get better because you want to escape from their pain, that is fine. Remember that this is your natural reaction to the situation, and as such it should be honoured and embraced. Any attempt to suppress your emotions will leave you with more problems later (trust me).

All you have to do is consciously notice, observe and savour your responses with other people. Do you find yourself bringing out the clouds of doom with others? Do you want to avoid pain when you feel it in others? Do you celebrate almost exaggeratedly when we hear other people are better? That’s ok. Just notice. Know that shedding your awareness onto your responses will lead to natural transformations, an alchemic reaction, without you trying to do anything about it. There is no need to try to get to the state of total acceptance. It will naturally happen simply with conscious awareness.