Archives for April 2018

The Illusion of Belonging: Why it’s time to abandon the search

April 17, 2018 by lyra777 Leave a Comment

Belonging can only happen when a “part” joins a group

So by wanting to belong

You are under the illusion of incompleteness

In waking up you realise

You are already complete

You are not a part

But a whole

And a whole doesn’t need to join any group

You are there already

You are a whole universe

The Problem of “Belonging”

Most of us at some point feel the painful pang of wanting to find the place that we can call “home”. A place full of people that fills us with unconditional love, protection and strength whenever we feel we need it. A place where we always feel accepted, where we can bare our deepest selves.

We label this state as “belonging”.

When we don’t feel like we belong anywhere we feel like a puzzle piece, endlessly searching and hoping that we will finally find the whole picture that we are a part of.

This, however, is a problem.

This is because belonging is a complete illusion. It is a belief that we must abandon if we are to relieve our suffering, or else we will spend our whole lives searching for something that doesn’t exist in the first place. We will end up in a state (“be”) of eternal “longing”.

What Belonging Actually Is

Think about the last time you felt like you belonged somewhere. How did you feel on the inside? Warm? Loved? Accepted? Expansive?…

…Complete?

This is what belonging actually boils down to: completeness. And ultimately it is this thirst for wholeness that drives almost everything that we do. When we feel complete in a group, we feel loved, because we become love itself.

As mentioned in my little midnight musing at the beginning of this post, belonging can only occur if a part joins a whole. Yet, in waking up we realise that we are complete. So how did we come to believe that we were only a piece, rather than the entire puzzle?

Let me tell you a story.

How the Circle Became a Puzzle Piece

This is Circle. Circle is one full, content and joyous entity.

One day Circle goes to play with some other circle friends. They have a chat.

Circle is embarrassed. It doesn’t want its friends to reject it so it decides to cut a fragment of itself off and lock it up in an closet. Now it doesn’t have to show this aspect of itself anymore, and it feels safe.

Then Circle goes home. Circle’s parents have spent years cutting off pieces of themselves, so they don’t like it if Circle doesn’t cut them off either. So they push and prod Circle until it does the same.

Soon Circle trims and locks away so many parts of itself that it isn’t a circle anymore.

It becomes a puzzle piece.

Now Circle may feel safer, but it doesn’t feel whole anymore. Feelings of loneliness and incompleteness flood in. It wants to find the place where it can be a circle again. So it starts searching. Little did Circle know however, that what its little soul was crying out for wasn’t for other people. It was yearning for all the parts of itself that it locked away in its closet many years ago.

Eventually there will be times when Circle will go to places, or will meet other people, that will make it feel secure. Suddenly, Circle is now ok with opening the door to its secret closet and letting back in all the fragments that were lost.

This doesn’t last for long though. If Circle always relies on external circumstances to cue whether or not its ok to let back in its fragments, sooner or later someone, or something, will lead to Circle quickly locking the door again.

What Circle doesn’t realise, is that it always holds the key to the closet. Nobody can take this key away. Circle can actually choose to open the door whenever it wants to.

And when it does, it will finally become itself again.

Complete. No longer needing to “belong”.

Beyond Belonging

When we say, “I finally feel like I belong”, it is never because a person or a group is making you feel that way. Rather, it is you giving yourself permission for once to be who you truly are. Ultimately you are the gatekeeper of your fragments, the decider of whether to bare your heart to the world.

It takes courage, acceptance and a sense of fearlessness to learn how to open your gate when everyone may be against you. It may take a lifetime of practice. But remember – you are always the holder of the key. Go back and invite all of those locked-up selves to “belong” again to the core of your being. Only then will that feeling of completeness return.

It’s time to go beyond belonging. We are each unique circles, so there will never be a circle that is exactly like yours. In this sense, we will always be alone. Yet, to fully embrace this aloneness means also to joyously celebrate your special circle, to revel in all of its imperfect perfection. This opens your heart and fills your being with love. This love then expands outwards, embracing every living being in its path.

In embracing your aloneness, you actually connect with all.

A Survival Guide for Optimists

April 7, 2018 by lyra777 Leave a Comment

“I have a dream….” boomed Martin Luther King. Today he is hailed as a visionary who sparked a whole civil rights moment that changed American history. Like Martin Luther King, the optimists of this world inspire others to march into a better future. They bring in innovative ideas because they are hopeful enough to fiercely believe in their visions. They remind us that even when times are rough, there is always a silver lining.

Despite these strengths, it is important to remember that unmanaged optimism can lead to naivety. It is perfectly encapsulated by the archetypal image of “The Fool” found in tarot cards. A happy, young boy can be seen proudly marching into the world, full of innocence and optimism. However, his eyes are looking so far into the sky that he doesn’t notice that right in front of him is the edge of a cliff. If he walks on any further without carefully observing his circumstances, he is going to fall down. Hard. This striking image tells us that a person who does not resolve their naiveté will eventually get burnt by the world. This, if left unresolved, can lead to disillusionment.

As a passionate optimist myself who chronically believes in puppies and rainbows, I have learnt over the years that you need to use your optimism wisely. I have compiled here some tips to help other optimists make best use of their personality trait. Note that the following advice is tailored more towards what I call “strong optimists” rather than to subtle optimists.

1) Balance your optimism with “getting real”

Strong optimists do not only see the glass as half full, but as mentioned they tend to be dreamers. They envision all sorts of futures because they see them as genuinely possible. This “can do” attitude can be uplifting, but it is not without its warnings.

It is great to have a dream, but it is called precisely that because it does not exist in this world yet. Creative visions come in an instant, but manifestation is bound by the constraints of time and energy. Your naive optimists are the ones who start a new hobby hoping to be a professional in a few weeks. They are the ones who announce that they have a million dollar idea which they believe will make them rich by next month. Obviously, this is a sinking disappointment waiting to happen.

To those who identify themselves as the people above, I’m very sorry to say but achieving any dream takes time, dedication and hard work. There is a need to first ground ourselves in reality to know where we are starting from, and which steps to take. Only then can we start to accurately calculate how much time and effort it will actually take us. Remember that your vision is your north star, but you need to know where you are currently on your map.

Learning about the constraints of time and energy will probably be a trial and error process. Your plans will constantly be overly ambitious and frustration will be felt. Each time you do get impatient and worry that things are not progressing as quickly as you hoped they would, do not see this as a sign that you have failed. Instead, congratulate yourself as you now know to give yourself more time in the future. Remember to keep a growth mindset. It might even be worth journaling how long things take for you, as optimists’ sense of time can get quite distorted. By all means continue to optimistically hold your goals in mind. But after you project to the future, remember to come back to present reality.

2) Accept that the world is full of both light and darkness

Over time, I’ve discovered that some of the strongest pessimists I’ve met were actually disillusioned optimists. They simply could not accept that there were awful things happening, whether it be within their own lives or with the terrible state of the Earth. They had problems letting go of the idea that the world should currently look like something else.

The disillusioned optimist must understand that even though the world will get better everyday, it will also get worse. We have better healthcare than ever before, but its commercialisation means that millions of people who really need it never get it. We have mobile phones and the internet to keep us all connected, but our privacy is now easily invaded. It is simply the yin and yang of life, and it will always be that way.

All this doesn’t mean you have to throw away your optimism. You can certainly choose to focus on the bright side of life, and continue to strive for a better future. However, this simultaneously must be done by also accepting life’s darkness. Even if you try and run away from it, the ugly side of this world will squirm its way into your life, shocking your system time and time again until you are forced to accept its presence.

In recent times this was seen with the election of President Trump. Many liberals were horrified and spent weeks mourning the outcome. Their optimistic vision of a better world was shattered. Some have still not accepted it, and you can see their anger and pain as they talk about politics. However, to not accept a disappointing reality is to be eternally stuck in the past. To say, “this shouldn’t have happened” will never do you any favours, because it just did and you can’t change that. A much healthier approach would have been to say, “Ok, Trump happened, I accept. Now what are our next steps?” . Acceptance followed by healthy optimism can keep us flowing and moving into the future.

3) Learn to accept pain, discomfort and disappointment

Some optimists have a view that there is a “perfect” version of their lives, one with never-ending happiness, success and freedom from any discomforts. When pain inevitably hits, whether it be emotional or physical, disappointment quickly ensues. Consequently, the optimist may quickly descend into a victim mentality crying out, “how could this be happening to me?!”.

Well, it’s happening because that is how the world works. Yet, it’s hard for optimists to accept this sometimes. This can lead to a desperate attempt to escape from the discomfort and pain they feel. Disembodiment happens as people escape into their heads and distract themselves to lessen the blow. As I’ve mentioned in a previous blog post, this kind of suppression can lead to depression.

We will always, always, have to deal with pain. To deal with this fact of life, remember what the Buddhists say: pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. Suffering only occurs through denial of the present moment. It can be transcended through surrendering and accepting the now. Even uncomfortable feelings can be felt from a place of peace if one is truly centred. In this way, you aren’t creating resistance towards what is occurring within you.

Obviously, some types of discomfort are easier to deal with than others. Some people live day-to-day with excruciating chronic pain. Yet, often it is precisely these people who are the most centred, because they are forced to find a way to be at peace with it. In fact, it is the minor pangs of hurt that keep people in an unhealthy mental state, as they still can run away from it. The probability of temporary distress increases if optimists don’t let go of the idea that creating a trouble-free Garden of Eden is possible. In acknowledging that your life always will have pain, the pressure to try to get rid of it will be lifted and moments of suffering will lessen.

To start the rehabilitation process there is a need to get back into our bodies. Techniques such as mindful breathing, body scanning and meditation will help you melt into your uncomfortable sensations. Remember that pain and discomfort can be very healthy reminders to assess whether we need to avoid things and choose another path. We have it built into our systems so we don’t make errors such as touching a very hot stove twice. If an optimist feels pain because their positive expectations aren’t met, they can use the pain constructively to reassess their circumstances. If they try to avoid feeling it, they may end up making the same mistakes over and over again.

To Close

Choosing to abandon our utopic vision of the world actually doesn’t make us more miserable, it makes us happier. As a result we set more realistic goals so we can achieve our dreams, aren’t as shocked when disappointment hits, and are more likely to find inner peace by accepting pain. Finally, I have focused this entry on optimists, but we must also not forget the pessimists of this world. They too, have their strengths and weaknesses. We need the pessimists of this world to remind us to take a reality check now and then, and they need us to show them that change is in fact possible. Together we create a unique balancing act that is part of the human experience.

Do You Want To Help Someone With Depression? Don’t try.

April 4, 2018 by lyra777 Leave a Comment

Do not try to help someone with depression.

“How can you even say that?” I hear you yelling. “You can’t just leave someone in pain alone. Surely they want help too!”

Sure, I agree. I have struggled with depression for 15 years. But hear me out.

I mentioned in a previous post that a key reason for depression is emotional suppression. The person in front of you is suffering because they cannot accept something. This could be an aspect of themselves (“I hate myself”), or it could be an event that has occurred to them (“How could this be happening to me?”). If they are depressed, they have been suppressing a whole host of emotions inside, such as sadness, anger or regret. The only way to release oneself from this suffering is to completely and fully accept the present, to embrace everything that is occurring both internally and externally (note that this is not the same as passivity). The opposite of depression is to freely express one’s soul.

So this is where the problem of trying to “help” someone with depression lies. You may relieve the suffering of someone as the end result of being with someone, but to have the intention to “save” or “help” will lead to suffering for both parties. To feel that you want to help someone with depression also involves motivations like, “I want to make you happy” or “I don’t want you to be in pain”. This may seem like a noble sentiment, but here is the problem. The flip-side of these thoughts are: “I want to try and change your mood”. If this is the ultimate impetus behind what you are doing, you are actually denying how the person is in the present. In thinking, “I want to make you happy”, you are simultaneously saying, “I do not want you to be who you are in this present moment”. You are not accepting their darkness. This is precisely the opposite of what people with depression need (see also my article on the challenges of being an Empath).

Remember there are no “good” or “bad” moods. All emotions — even painful ones — need to be accepted in order to be released. If the person in front of you is in pain, give them space to accept that pain. To try to do something to change that is to block the natural process of things. It is like building a dam in a river that wants to flow. To approach someone with the intention of helping, while seeming like a great intention, actually is subconsciously sending the message, “I don’t want you to be who you are”. This is not love.

This tactic will backfire too. If you approach people like this, soon you will find a lot of people who won’t respond to your “help”, because in fact you aren’t really helping them in the first place. This will just lead to disappointment and frustration on your end. You may even get angry at the person wondering why they don’t get better more quickly when you’re offering so much “help”. Well, now you know why.

Don’t try and help someone in emotional pain. If you feel a tug to be with them, then go with the flow and be with them. Literally. Just BE. Don’t make solving their problems your goal. Being present can manifest in an infinite number of forms. Anything could happen while you are with the other person. You may want to just be silent. You may listen, you may speak. You may even end up giving them advice. But it all comes from a place of not trying to forcibly change anything around you and going with the flow.

It is highly likely that if you do this, the almost paradoxical end result is that you have helped this person. But “helping” shouldn’t be your first intention. The person suffering is in a state of non-acceptance regarding a lot of things. You being in a state of presence will draw them into your healing light. In fully accepting them, you help them accept themselves.

Bottom line, if you really want to help someone with depression, let that sentiment go. Being yourself, and in doing so inviting them to be themselves, is the best medicine you can offer.