Marie Buda

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Depression and Emotional Suppression

August 21, 2017 by lyra777 Leave a Comment

 

One of the biggest misunderstandings about depression

I was on the phone with my friend and told her that I was depressed and struggling. We didn’t dwell on it, and she asked what I had planned for the next coming weeks. I told her about my plans to attend a wedding in Surrey, a business trip to Florida as well a trip back home to Japan to attend another wedding.

“Your life isn’t miserable at all!” she said.

I think my friend’s response represents a typical misunderstanding people have about depression: that it always occurs when something bad has happened. Therefore on the same vein, if your life isn’t demonstrably “bad”, your sadness and misery are not justified. Typical manifestations of this attitude can lead to painful statements along the lines of:

“Cheer up, your life isn’t that bad”

“You should be grateful for all the things you have”

“And why are you so upset?”

I want to take this opportunity to clear up this bias once and for all:

Terrible things do not need to happen for depression to occur.

Now, there is indeed a very strong correlation behind critical, upsetting events and depression. But as we all know correlation is not causation. In this post, I want to talk about what I have discovered to be one of the key causes of depression — emotional suppression. Once this is understood, it is easy to see why critical events often lead to depression, and also why equally they are not needed for it to occur.

 

The Link Between Depression and Emotional Suppression

All of us go through hardships. At times the majority of us will feel emotions of sadness, helplessness, defeat and low self-esteem. However some of us aren’t very good at fully processing these emotions. Instead of letting them pass through us, we push them down. We become aware that they are bubbling up, but we isolate ourselves from our bodies and try to distract ourselves using things such as work, exercise, food or drink. Another very common escape mechanism is to focus our energy on our mind. Instead of connecting and embracing our emotions with our full being, we start to compulsively think. Hence why rumination comes hand-in-hand with depression. So long as we talk in our heads about why we are not happy, that at least saves us from feeling how much in pain we are.

Ironically, this tactic backfires. All those emotions that we push down eventually will reach a tipping point. It’s almost like garbage piling up. Unless you continuously pick up and throw things away, it will start to rot and smell. Depression is a warning sign that your emotions have piled up for far too long, and that they need to be processed ASAP. Think of it as emotional constipation. It is your soul crying out, begging you to confront how you actually are inside. This might be the reason why we feel like we need to be alone when we are depressed. It is our body’s way of telling us to take a time-out to just be with ourselves.

You now may be able to see the connection between critical events and depression. When something terrible happens a tsunami of emotion invades. This can be very overwhelming, almost as if a truck has hit you. It’s only natural that a coping mechanism is to start pushing some of the emotion down to deal with later. However if left for too long it will pile up and, boom – depression. However, you can also see that equally dreadful things need not have occurred for someone to have depression. It can also occur as a result of a drip-drip effect. By the time the darkness finally manifests it could be after various feelings have built up over days, weeks or years. This is why things don’t need to be terrible for a person to have depression.

Now, if you are currently struggling with depression you may be thinking, “How can you say that I’m not feeling my emotions? Every day I feel like crap! I’d much rather be feeling nothing!”. I say all this because the sinking sensation of depression is not the core feeling that you are suppressing. To re-use the garbage example, depression is the rotting smell, but not the garbage itself. When you sit down and really connect with the pain, it is likely that you will find a whole mixture of emotions swirling around, including anger, fear, helplessness and sadness. So many of us have mastered the art of suppressing our emotions that we don’t even know that we are doing it. Even if we want to feel what is inside, we genuinely don’t know what is there. And if we did, most of the time we don’t want to look at them. After all, there was a good reason why we hid them from ourselves in the first place.

Furthermore, connecting with our emotions is one thing, but fully accepting and loving them – that’s a whole other thing all together. Let’s say for example, that you look inside and start feeling that you have anger towards a very close friend of yours. You then realise that is because you are jealous towards him/her. An immediate reaction is that this is wrong, that it’s very petty of yourself to feel jealousy, and that this friend is such an amazing person who doesn’t deserve someone feeling this way towards her. Besides, just because you feel this way what can you do about it? This then leads to suppression again.

There is nothing wrong with feeling anything. Feelings are just feelings. Nothing more, nothing less. Yet throughout the years we are taught that some feelings are acceptable, and some are not. That some emotions are justified based on the external circumstances, and some are not. That there is “no point” in allowing yourself feel certain emotions. All of this is utter madness, not to mention toxic. The reality is, we must love and accept every emotion that passes through us.**  The opposite of depression is not happiness, but the freedom to experience spontaneous feelings.

 

The Importance of Having Open Listeners

I hope now you can see why statements such as, “Cheer up, your life isn’t that bad”, is as counter-productive as it gets. The person in front of you is depressed because they believe that they are not allowed to express certain emotions. Therefore in telling them to “cheer up” you are telling them yet again to shove down how they are feeling. In essence, you are reinforcing precisely the toxic behaviour that has gotten them into darkness in the first place.

This is why you may have noticed that people with low self-esteem shut down even more when you tell them that they shouldn’t feel that way. People with depression don’t need you to try and change their minds. Nor do they want solutions either. When a person approaches you with their pain, what they require is for you to show them that feeling bad is totally fine, regardless of the circumstances that underlie it. What they desperately need you to do is to hold a loving, safe space for expression. To be an open listener.

If you open your heart to that person’s emotions, simply by being very present in the moment, this automatically shows the person that their emotions are perfectly fine. If someone says they feel worthless, let them know there is nothing wrong then with that (“I see, that must be really painful”), instead of bombarding them with evidence on why they shouldn’t be feeling this way. It’s only after the emotion is accepted and released — often in the form of tears — that you can perhaps discuss how worthy of love you think they are. But it is incredibly important to wait until the catharsis has happened.

 

How to Listen

So how does one listen with an open heart? My personal answer to this is to employ mindful listening. When practicing mindfulness, you calm the chatter in your mind and let your awareness expand. The key is to not be in a mindset where you feel like you want change the person or fix things for them. You are simply there, experiencing the space with them. If listening to them brings up emotions within you, notice them with full acceptance as you would in meditation. You being your honest, raw self in the moment will help the other person also embrace their authenticity. You accepting them, exactly how they are, is the greatest show of love (I have written another article on how to be with someone with depression).

 

To Close

I am really surprised that emotional suppression and depression aren’t talked about more often. After being introduced to this idea a few years ago it quickly became clear to me that this really was a key cause of it – at least for me. I am not saying however that it is the only cause. Depression is incredibly multifaceted and each sufferer manifests his or her own unique version. As such, the reasons behind it can slightly differ. Yet, the more I talk to people with depression, the more I do see that this could be a common cause for so many of us.

I see people often at a loss as to how to help people with depression, and because of this end up accidentally talking to people in a counter productive way. In fostering an understanding of how emotional suppression can be contributing to depression, this can not only help people with this issue understand better what is going on with them, but can also help those who have loved ones with depression support them in the best possible way.

 

Feb. 10th, 2018: Since writing this entry I have written a follow-up post where I talk about ways of embracing your emotions again.

Apr. 4th, 2018: I have written a follow-up post on how to help someone with depression.

**Note that this is not the same as acting on the emotion. If you feel hate, that is fine and should be accepted, but you don’t need to act on it.

Filed Under: Acceptance, Being Present, Depression, Empathy, Love, Popular Posts Tagged With: Acceptance, Depression, Emotions, listening, Popular Posts, suppression

Dear 20 Year Old Me

September 27, 2016 by lyra777 Leave a Comment

Saying goodbye to my 20s with a Roaring 20s Great Gatsby Party!

I have turned 30. Entering a new chapter of my life has made me reflect on how I have grown in the last decade. This then made me wonder – if I were to write a letter to my 20 year old self, what would I say to her?

Actually, if I were given the choice to send a letter back into the past, I wouldn’t. I would want 20 year old Marie to plunge into her new decade with the same ignorance I did. Why? Because my hardships and struggles have made me the woman I am today.

But if I had to pick six pieces of advice to say to her, perhaps I would say something like this.

(I also have a recommended reading list at the end of the entry based on what I’ve written, so please check out below if interested.)

1. Be your authentic self

In your twenties you believed that life is a performance. Every action, every conversation needs to be manipulated to bring about the ‘perfect’ outcome. That is, to have other people like you.

The problem with this is that because it’s an act brought about by fear – that is, the fear of not being liked – you spend all your energy trying to avoid this outcome as much as possible. To do so, you constantly suppress what you think and feel. This is nothing short of violence towards your self.

In fact, in not being honest you are not only hurting yourself, but you are doing all the people around you a disservice.

Life is too short to be anyone but yourself.

Remember these three things:

Be honest with your emotions

  • We may be taught that ‘emotional control’ is a sign of maturity. This may be so, but this is different from emotional suppression. If you deny and push down how you are feeling inside, it doesn’t miraculously go away – it gets stuck inside you. The result is that you become a volcano of emotions, waiting to explode. Often also, this leads to depression. It is possible to openly accept all the human emotions we feel – from happiness to anger to sadness. It is only through truly embracing them that you can let them go.

Be honest with your words

  • There is something to be said about radical honesty. You may feel like you are preventing people from getting hurt by choosing words carefully, but in actuality you are doing them a disservice by not telling them the truth. This doesn’t mean however, that you tell the person you hate that they are an asshole. This is not helpful. I very much recommend nonviolent communication as a means of getting across what you are thinking and feeling.

Be honest with your body

  • If your body tells you to stop, stop. Don’t push it beyond what it wants. You will find that to do otherwise will eventually hurt your body. You don’t have to push your body to the limits to achieve something. Yoga is a prime example – you work closely with your body, listening carefully to it and soon flexibility + strength follows.

2. Constantly let go

In Japanese there is a saying, ‘dan-sha-ri’. It means refusal, disposal and separation. Derived in part from yoga, it refers to the cleaning and throwing away of unwanted items.

The importance of this is perfectly demonstrated in the parable with the keen zen pracitioner and the enlightened master. ‘Teach me everything you know!’ the young practitioner said to the master. The master simply told him to pour him a cup of tea until he said stop. Even when the cup was overflowing the master said nothing, ‘The cup is flooding!’ the zen practioner exclaimed. ‘Yes’ said the master, ‘that cup is like your mind, how can I teach you anything if it’s full already?’.

If you don’t throw away things in your house, it clogs up. Mess builds. Life is the same. If you don’t constantly let go of things – may it be thoughts or emotions – they accumulate and you’ll simply have no space to let in the new. When you feel like you’ve hit a life block, then don’t do anything more. Instead, let go.

Oh, and on a side note, remember that your inner state and outer state are closely connected. If your room is messy, that’s probably a good sign that you need to do some cleaning on the inside. Conversely, an effective way to start your inner cleanse is through scrubbing the house and throwing away all unwanted items!

3. Remember that you can be the observer

In your early twenties you lived your life swayed by emotions and thoughts. It was like you were on a boat rocked constantly by a storm.

It doesn’t have to be this way, because one thing you must realise is that you are not your thoughts. You are not your emotions either.

You are, in fact, the observer of all of these things. You are the listener. You are the feeler. As such, you can choose not to react to what emerges from you. That is not to say you should suppress your thoughts and emotions (see ‘1) Be Your Authentic Self’). It just means you are fully present with your thoughts and emotions, while making the conscious choice not to respond to them.

Meditation is key to sharpening this technique.

4. Remember that all actions come out of love or ignorance 

All actions come from love or ignorance. Even fear and anger come from ultimately not understanding what you are dealing with properly. Each and every single decision in life we have a choice as to whether or not we make it from these two states. And there are absolutely no excuses – ‘but that person was being horrible, I had no choice’, ‘I had to respond immediately’. No. We always have a choice, so long as you are totally present in the moment.

On a similar vein, remember there are no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ decisions. There are only decisions that either come or not come from the heart.  

But surely there are ‘right’ decisions! You may say. For example, what if you invest in something and it is a huge success? Wouldn’t that be a correct decision? Well, what if after your successful investment, you become so well-known among your business peers that brings about jealously? What if someone backstabs you and steals all your money, leading you to suffer terrible poverty? Your ‘right’ decision may not seem so ‘right’ anymore.

My point is, you never know the complete consequences of what each decision brings. Some may be pleasant, but they can quickly become unpleasant too. So the only thing we can do in these circumstances is to ensure that every decision we make at least comes from a place of total openness and honesty both to ourselves and others.

5. Live with humility

In your twenties you are still struggling to find your place in the world. You believe that there is such a thing such as a ladder of success, and it is your job to work hard to climb up on it. As such, people lie above or below you on this hierarchy, and you have a drive keep on top of it. You are also terrified of falling behind.

It is time to let this idea go.

First, if you define ‘success’ as ‘being skilled at something’, you must realise that there will always be people better at everything single thing that you do. Even if you were an Olympic gold medal winning champion, one day your muscles won’t be what they used to be and someone else will take your spot.

Conversely though, there will also always be people who are less skilled at things than you. So just accept that there is this spectrum of people that will always surround you, no matter how good you become at something. Therefore it is pointless to get on the treadmill of being ‘at the top’.

More importantly though, remember that this whole idea of placing people and things on a scale is a mentally constructed one, so it can be abandoned. For example, let’s say you start sewing. If you break it down just to what it is, all you are doing is threading a needle in and out. And the experience can just end there. But if you come out of the present moment of performing this action and start comparing yourself with others, then suddenly you are ‘better’ or ‘worse’ than other people at it. You could have just stayed in the moment enjoying your sewing.

Humility is being in a state where you do not see the world anymore on a scale. Everything just is. There is no ‘better’ or ‘worse’. Things just are. Seeing and experiencing the world in this state will bring about a massive feeling of liberation.

6. If you want to live life to the fullest, play with it.

One of the biggest errors you made in your twenties was thinking success and suffering were synonymous. They really aren’t. Success may take lots of effort, yes, but it doesn’t have to involve suffering. Suffering is simply a mindset.

If you are the type of person who approaches life ‘seriously’ you may find yourself facing a lot of blocks in life. Why? Because this type of consciousness and attitude is actually very limiting, not to mention painful and boring.

Instead, think of life as a game. To play is to be creative, to be exploratory and to have fun. Approaching life as a big playroom helps you to more effortlessly navigate what it throws at you, no matter how hard it is. Even for things that may not seem like a playful event, such as a break-up, stressful exams or illness, try bending your attitude a little and see it within the context of a playroom anyways. This doesn’t mean you are not taking what has happened seriously. In fact, it’s the polar opposite. Because you want to approach all of these hardships in the most effective way possible, this is what you are doing. Less suffering from you means that you can be there and help out others during these hard times.

If you want to take life seriously, stop taking it seriously.

 

Recommended Reading

Nonviolent Communication — A Language of Life (Nonviolent Communication Guides) by Marshall R. Rosenberg

Lying by Sam Harris

The Power Of Now – A Guide To Spiritual Enlightenment by Eckhart Tolle

Emotional Clearing: Releasing Negative Feelings and Awakening Unconditional Happiness by John Ruskan

The Antidote: Happiness for People Who Can’t Stand Positive Thinking by Oliver Burkeman

Filed Under: Acceptance, Love, Popular Posts, Relationships, Self Discovery, Surrender Tagged With: Acceptance, Emotion, Fear, Ignorance, Life, Love

Be Your Colour — A Cartoon About Relationships

July 16, 2016 by lyra777 Leave a Comment

Once upon a time there was a world full of colours

story-1

Each of these dots shone their colours brightly and magnificently

They would spend their time playing, talking, working…doing what colours do

They were happy

Sometimes two colours would meet, and they would like each other’s colour

story-8

Sometimes they would fall in love.

 story-heart

When they did, they were happy…

…for awhile,

Because often, the colours would get confused

Very confused

After being together for so long, they would start to believe that they needed the other colour

story-8-1

If the other colour was missing, they would feel all sorts of emotions, like sadness and loneliness

story-7

They would also start to believe that because they needed the other colour, it was also the other colour’s responsibility to complete them

story-10

Or other times, one colour would ask the other dot to be a different colour all together

story-9

This illusion was so great, that sometimes the colours started to believe in it

They believed that they were incomplete

But all of this made no sense at all

story-3

No other colour could complete their colour, but themselves

story-4

And often they had forgotten the most important truth of them all…

story-5

They were complete in the first place.

When two dots fully embrace both their own and each other’s colour

When they both fully realise that they are already complete

Only then can they start to create a strong and unique colour when together

story-11

This is a beautiful thing

But remember

Even when alone

They are still shining brightly and magnificently in their own colour

story-3-1

Be your colour.  

Afterword

It is so easy for us to fall into this relationship trap.

If your answer to why you are with your partner is: “because I’m not happy if I’m not with them”, you need to have a long, hard look at your relationship.

Conversely, if you are single and your answer to why you want a relationship is along the lines of “because I’m lonely/because I want to feel safe/because I want to feel [insert your need here]”, again, you need to have a rethink.

In Ram Dass‘ own words:

“…often, we come into a relationship very much identified with our needs at some level or other. “I need security, I need refuge, I need friendship.” We come together because we fulfill each other’s needs at some level and the problem is that when you identify with that, those needs, you always stay at the level where the other person is “her” or “him” that is satisfying that need….” (Original article here)

And the problem is, you never grow as a couple. You get stuck into a cycle of attachment and suffering because you believe your partner’s life duty is to forever satisfy your need.

Except it isn’t their duty to.

Remember it’s NOT your partner’s job to make you happy.

It’s your job to make yourself happy.

If you feel incomplete without your partner, remember that you are under a temporary spell.

You are actually complete just the way you are, on your own.

You just need to re-find the beauty that lies deep inside.

Filed Under: Popular Posts, Relationships Tagged With: Being yourself, Love, Relationships

About Me

Hi there! I'm Marie. I'm a behavioural science consultant with a PhD in cognitive neuroscience. I explore what sets us free and brings us peace. A millennial-in-awakening. Read More…

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