Archives for July 2016

My Twitter Usage Manifesto

July 26, 2016 by lyra777 Leave a Comment

In a previous post I described why I quit Facebook, and the addictive grip these mediums of social media can have on some people like me. When I decided to re-start Twitter, I really didn’t want to fall into the same traps that I did with Facebook.

The result was this Twitter Usage Manifesto:

Thou shalt tweet with an open heart and in the spirit of unconditional giving.
Thou shalt only follow people who you are genuinely interested in following.
Thou shalt tweet only things that you genuinely think will be of interest to others.

1) Thou shalt tweet with an open heart and in the spirit of unconditional giving.

I wrote in the last post about the suffering that results from dependency in relationships. I think a similar thing can result with social media.

A lot of the time people post things because they want people to acknowledge their post in some way, whether this be through a ‘like’ or a comment.

100 likes? You feel amazing! No one ‘likes’ your post? You feel sad and lonely.

Once you get into this cycle, whether consciously or unconsciously, social media becomes a game of manipulated posts, photos and tweets that are carefully engineered to ensure that you get the acknowledgement that you think you need: “This photo will get me more likes!” “This post is funny, people will ‘like’ it!”.

Once this happens you no longer post things that truly represent you. You are posting things that you hope other people will pay attention to. This attention becomes your energy source and without it you feel incomplete. It’s not a great place to be in. These ups and downs are partly the reason for social media addiction.

Therefore I wanted to approach Twitter differently. I thought that if I tweeted in the spirit of unconditional giving, I would be simply sharing what I wrote about without expecting anything in return. If no one reads my blog, that is absolutely fine. If someone does, cool. It’s just out there for people who are meant to read it, to read it.

If I am unattached to the outcome, there is no need to obsessively check back continuously whether someone has ‘liked’ my posts. I just let it be. I think this is a much more peaceful place to be in.

2) Thou shalt only follow people who you are genuinely interested in following.

I know that some people follow others just to make them follow them back. Or follow people because they feel they have to, whether it be because of a) social obligation b) they feel they ‘should’ (e.g. “I’m a scientist so I really should follow the best scientists”).

Each to their own in this regard, but given that I have made a commitment to be as honest to myself as I can, I thought that the reasons stated above were not in line with whom I wanted to be. So I’ve decided that I will only follow people who I am genuinely interested in.

This did initially result it a Twitter cull of people I was following for the wrong reasons. But now I look at my feed and only see posts that pique my interest. It’s nice.

3) Thou shalt tweet only things that thou genuinely think will be of interest to others.

I didn’t want the tweets to serve the same function as photos/posts often do on Facebook. On Facebook, I feel that people are often posting things that are strategically there to mold a public image, instead of posting things in the spirit of true sharing.

If I find something interesting, that’s great. However, I don’t see any reason to post it publically unless I genuinely think other people will think it’s interesting. If I post it nonetheless, I feel like it’s simply saying, “Look what I like! This is who I am!”. This is all fine, but it isn’t in line with Manifesto Point 1: Unconditional Giving, so I am choosing not to do this.

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So that’s the manifesto. Since re-starting Twitter I have felt the urge to dwell from these points (and perhaps have broken them), but I am hoping that I can learn to use social media as an effective tool. I hope to be in control of social media, rather than allowing social media to control me.

Is Dependency in Relationships That Bad?

July 25, 2016 by lyra777 Leave a Comment

I first want to say a whole-hearted thank you to the many people who have been writing to me regarding my blog posts. I have had the most interesting, enlightening discussions and can’t wait to have more. Please don’t hesitate to get in touch with me to talk about anything.

I wanted to write a post on a question I received from a few people after my last post.

Is dependency in relationships all that bad?

To begin, I personally do not think there are ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ paths. This is entirely subjective and dependent on each person and their beliefs.

I do however, think that there are some paths that lead to more pain and suffering than others. So, when asked whether dependency in relationship ‘bad’, my answer would be that it’s neither ‘bad’ nor ‘good’. Instead, dependency is a path that can lead to more pain and suffering.

Again, pain and suffering aren’t necessarily ‘bad’. They are just what they are. Another human experience.

What you want to experience is entirely up to you.

Next, I want to clarify what I mean by ‘dependency’. Although I said in the last post that it is not great for your happiness if you depend on someone to satisfy your needs, I am not saying that you should not give and receive in a relationship.

On the contrary, I believe that unconditionally giving and graciously receiving in relationships is a beautiful, wonderful thing and can lead to great happiness.

Let me define these terms a bit better:

Unconditionally giving = to give without expecting anything in return.

Graciously receiving = to receive fully with gratitude, without feeling obliged to return anything.

So where does dependency come in? Pain and suffering come into the process when people become attached.

You are fine when your needs are met. But when they aren’t, you feel the ache of suffering. This is inevitable with attachment.

A further problem happens if you are not only attached, but then believe that it is the other person’s duty to ensure that you do not feel this pain.

Your partner has his/her own life. They are not you. They will not be able to meet all of your demands. So once again, be prepared to be disappointed if you choose to adopt this mindset.

The good news is — it doesn’t have to be this way.

It is challenging, but not impossible, to strive for a relationship where you are giving and receiving without attachment. You allow love to flow freely and unconditionally. You do not aggressively insist that it is the other person’s duty to fulfil your needs. Note that I feel like it is perfectly reasonable to communicate to your partner your needs, but problems arise when you start to say it is their job to satisfy them. Because you are in charge of your own wellbeing, and are not reliant on your partner to bring you joy, you are much more emotionally stable.

Remember, not needing your partner does not equate to not loving your partner. You can fully love someone without needing them. You may be surprised, in fact, by how much your love deepens once various attachment factors are removed.

So I once again suggest — be your colour!!

Be Your Colour — A Cartoon About Relationships

July 16, 2016 by lyra777 Leave a Comment

Once upon a time there was a world full of colours

Each of these dots shone their colours brightly and magnificently

They would spend their time playing, talking, working…doing what colours do

They were happy

Sometimes two colours would meet, and they would like each other’s colour

Sometimes they would fall in love.

When they did, they were happy…

…for awhile,

Because often, the colours would get confused

Very confused

After being together for so long, they would start to believe that they needed the other colour

If the other colour was missing, they would feel all sorts of emotions, like sadness and loneliness

They would also start to believe that because they needed the other colour, it was also the other colour’s responsibility to complete them

Or other times, one colour would ask the other dot to be a different colour all together

This illusion was so great, that sometimes the colours started to believe in it

They believed that they were incomplete

But all of this made no sense at all

No other colour could complete their colour, but themselves

And often they had forgotten the most important truth of them all…

They were complete in the first place.

When two dots fully embrace both their own and each other’s colour

When they both fully realise that they are already complete

Only then can they start to create a strong and unique colour when together

This is a beautiful thing

But remember

Even when alone

They are still shining brightly and magnificently in their own colour

Be your colour.

Afterword

It is so easy for us to fall into this relationship trap.

If your answer to why you are with your partner is: “because I’m not happy if I’m not with them”, you need to have a long, hard look at your relationship.

Conversely, if you are single and your answer to why you want a relationship is along the lines of “because I’m lonely/because I want to feel safe/because I want to feel [insert your need here]”, again, you need to have a rethink.

In Ram Dass‘ own words:

“…often, we come into a relationship very much identified with our needs at some level or other. “I need security, I need refuge, I need friendship.” We come together because we fulfill each other’s needs at some level and the problem is that when you identify with that, those needs, you always stay at the level where the other person is “her” or “him” that is satisfying that need….” (Original article here)

And the problem is, you never grow as a couple. You get stuck into a cycle of attachment and suffering because you believe your partner’s life duty is to forever satisfy your need.

Except it isn’t their duty to.

Remember it’s NOT your partner’s job to make you happy.

It’s your job to make yourself happy.

If you feel incomplete without your partner, remember that you are under a temporary spell.

You are actually complete just the way you are, on your own.

You just need to re-find the beauty that lies deep inside.

How I Conquered Procrastination

July 15, 2016 by lyra777 Leave a Comment

I know that I am not in the minority when I say I had a serious procrastination problem. For me, my wake up call was my PhD. You have three to four years to write a thesis. If you procrastinate, you’re royally screwed.

My procrastination habits were already pretty bad, and they were made even worse by my clinical depression. For months and months I was like an engine that couldn’t start up properly. My severe anxiety and stress would prevent me from even starting to read or write.

The good news is I eventually made a very significant breakthrough, and it didn’t involve any fancy techniques.

I simply used a pen and a notebook.

After months of self-scrutiny, I managed to pin down the reason for my procrastination onto one main thing: the avoidance of anxiety.

Let me illustrate. You have a big deadline coming up. You sit down to try to start. But because there is so much to do, you can’t quite figure out what the next step is. And oh my gosh think about all the work you need to do. Think about how this task is far too big to start, and even worse, you can’t think of the perfect way to do it. AAAAAH!

Before you know it you are clicking on Facebook and are looking at photographs of people you don’t care about. This all happens at lightning speed. Each time you open up Microsoft Word to start working again, that wall of anxiety hits you, and your default mode becomes avoidance.

In order to escape this never ending spiral, you first need to understand the following: anxiety is caused by not being in the present.

If you are asked whether there is anything you are unhappy about in general, I’m sure you could produce an endless list of things from not getting a pay-rise to your partner not giving you the attention you need. But if you ask yourself whether there is anything you are unhappy about in this very moment in time, it is highly likely that the answer is no (unless you are, at this moment, being tortured brutally by some terrorist group…in which case why are you reading this blog?).

Anxiety is caused by thinking about the past or the future, instead of embracing the present. Instead of focusing on the very next step that has to be done, you get swept away by all the things that you have to do in the future. You worry endlessly.

In step the pen and notebook.

Everyday I would sit down, open my notebook, and think only about what the very next step was. I really broke it down into the basics. Some days the first line was “Switch on the computer”, and once I’d done that, “Open Word document”. Once I got the ball rolling I could start making the next steps “Read first paragraph of journal paper” or “Type in first line of excel data”.

Essentially, it was a mindfulness technique that kept me focused on the present or the very, very near future at most. This prevented me from getting sucked into the tornado of anxiety. Because I was creating myself tiny baby steps that were guaranteed to be achievable, I wouldn’t panic. I could see how I was going to proceed. Plus I was constantly rewarding myself by ticking off all the things that I had finished. Tiny victories, but achieved nonetheless!

I also stopped worrying about whether I would finish in time, or whether the work was good enough (perfectionism is a common trait among those who procrastinate). I knew that using this notebook method I was working the best that I could at the fastest pace sensibly possible. So I just had to trust that so long as I kept this going, I was on the right track.

Thanks to this notebook technique for the rest of my PhD I managed to work consistently, in a focused manner. Procrastination is manageable. The key is to admit that you have a problem, and then to discover the truth behind why it’s occurring in the first place. The most important thing is to not beat yourself up about it. To get angry at yourself for procrastinating is to only make your anxiety worse. Remember that you are a human being, and that we are not perfect. Accept that you feel anxious, take a deep breath, and pick up your pen and notebook. It’s never too late to start.

Writing From a Place of Serenity

July 14, 2016 by lyra777 Leave a Comment

Now that I’ve vowed to myself that I will write about anything I want, suddenly I want to post about everything.

I do feel like this is not some random burst of excitement that might die down just as quickly. Even when I wasn’t blogging I was always thinking about things I wanted to write about. I would construct the blog in my mind and happily think about how I would convey my thoughts to the reader. But I never actually did it.

Now that I’m finally putting these daydreams into practice I can’t describe how much better I feel. I am bringing some much needed flow back into my life. I understand it’s going to be a wobbly start because I’m still trying to find my voice. When I read my own writing I can significantly feel which bits I wrote from the heart, and bits that I didn’t so much. The difficultly is that growing up we are taught by various people how to write. Our parents first teach us what is right or wrong, and then at school a certain style is demanded of us. We soon start to adapt our writing into something that we think will get that A grade or will be applauded by others. Often in the back of our minds the question isn’t “I am expressing in writing what I truly feel?” but “I am writing in a way that other people will approve of?”.

In other words, we write from a place of fear.

Fear that other people won’t accept what and how we communicate. We desperately try to avoid the sinking feeling of rejection and ridicule. When we do avoid it, and people give us a positive stamp of approval, we get a rush of excitement. Positive reinforcement. This can become almost addictive. The trouble with having this sort of relationship with writing is that while the highs can be ecstatic, the lows can really bum you out. Instead of being content with the beautiful act of creativity, your happiness is defined by the reactions of other people.

I want to get to a place where I’m consistently writing from a place of calm, loving presence, which in turn will cultivate creativity. A place where I am writing what I want, how I want to, without worrying what people think. A place where I am constantly enjoying the mere act of writing, regardless of the consequences it brings. A place of serenity.