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The Illusion of Belonging: Why it’s time to abandon the search

April 17, 2018 by lyra777 Leave a Comment

Belonging can only happen when a “part” joins a group

So by wanting to belong

You are under the illusion of incompleteness

In waking up you realise

You are already complete

You are not a part

But a whole

And a whole doesn’t need to join any group

You are there already

You are a whole universe

 

The Problem of “Belonging”

Most of us at some point feel the painful pang of wanting to find the place that we can call “home”. A place full of people that fills us with unconditional love, protection and strength whenever we feel we need it. A place where we always feel accepted, where we can bare our deepest selves.

We label this state as “belonging”.

When we don’t feel like we belong anywhere we feel like a puzzle piece, endlessly searching and hoping that we will finally find the whole picture that we are a part of.

This, however, is a problem.

This is because belonging is a complete illusion. It is a belief that we must abandon if we are to relieve our suffering, or else we will spend our whole lives searching for something that doesn’t exist in the first place. We will end up in a state (“be”) of eternal “longing”.

 

What Belonging Actually Is

Think about the last time you felt like you belonged somewhere. How did you feel on the inside? Warm? Loved? Accepted? Expansive?…

…Complete?

This is what belonging actually boils down to: completeness. And ultimately it is this thirst for wholeness that drives almost everything that we do. When we feel complete in a group, we feel loved, because we become love itself.

As mentioned in my little midnight musing at the beginning of this post, belonging can only occur if a part joins a whole. Yet, in waking up we realise that we are complete. So how did we come to believe that we were only a piece, rather than the entire puzzle?

Let me tell you a story.

 

How the Circle Became a Puzzle Piece

This is Circle. Circle is one full, content and joyous entity.

One day Circle goes to play with some other circle friends. They have a chat.

 

Circle is embarrassed. It doesn’t want its friends to reject it so it decides to cut a fragment of itself off and lock it up in an closet. Now it doesn’t have to show this aspect of itself anymore, and it feels safe.

 

Then Circle goes home. Circle’s parents have spent years cutting off pieces of themselves, so they don’t like it if Circle doesn’t cut them off either. So they push and prod Circle until it does the same.

Soon Circle trims and locks away so many parts of itself that it isn’t a circle anymore.

It becomes a puzzle piece.

Now Circle may feel safer, but it doesn’t feel whole anymore. Feelings of loneliness and incompleteness flood in. It wants to find the place where it can be a circle again. So it starts searching. Little did Circle know however, that what its little soul was crying out for wasn’t for other people. It was yearning for all the parts of itself that it locked away in its closet many years ago.

Eventually there will be times when Circle will go to places, or will meet other people, that will make it feel secure. Suddenly, Circle is now ok with opening the door to its secret closet and letting back in all the fragments that were lost.

This doesn’t last for long though. If Circle always relies on external circumstances to cue whether or not its ok to let back in its fragments, sooner or later someone, or something, will lead to Circle quickly locking the door again.

What Circle doesn’t realise, is that it always holds the key to the closet. Nobody can take this key away. Circle can actually choose to open the door whenever it wants to.

And when it does, it will finally become itself again.

 

Complete. No longer needing to “belong”.

 

Beyond Belonging

When we say, “I finally feel like I belong”, it is never because a person or a group is making you feel that way. Rather, it is you giving yourself permission for once to be who you truly are. Ultimately you are the gatekeeper of your fragments, the decider of whether to bare your heart to the world.

It takes courage, acceptance and a sense of fearlessness to learn how to open your gate when everyone may be against you. It may take a lifetime of practice. But remember – you are always the holder of the key. Go back and invite all of those locked-up selves to “belong” again to the core of your being. Only then will that feeling of completeness return.

It’s time to go beyond belonging. We are each unique circles, so there will never be a circle that is exactly like yours. In this sense, we will always be alone. Yet, to fully embrace this aloneness means also to joyously celebrate your special circle, to revel in all of its imperfect perfection. This opens your heart and fills your being with love. This love then expands outwards, embracing every living being in its path.

In embracing your aloneness, you actually connect with all.

Filed Under: Acceptance, Awakening, Emotion, Loneliness, Love, Relationships Tagged With: awakening, Belonging, Love, Relationships, returning to self

People are Like Plants

January 5, 2017 by lyra777 6 Comments

People are very much like plants.

Plants need four things to grow – soil, time, sunlight and water.

plants

We are in fact exactly the same.

All the time we are incubating seedlings of wisdom that are waiting to blossom. We are fertile ground.

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We tell people how they should be growing their little plants, which is madness really. Your plant maybe a rose, and mine may be a cactus. If I applied the same requirements as you — lots of water in a temperate climate — my cactus will end up all shrivelled up.

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Yet, we say to others, you should grow like this, and you should grow like that, thinking that is best for them. This is only because it worked for our plant, but it may not work at all for theirs. We could be twisting their little plant to grow in a way it doesn’t want to.

We may also become impatient with other people’s growth process, demanding that they grow faster, that they act now. But no matter how much you yell at a plant, it will still grow at its own pace, because plants need time and patience to grow.

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Plants also need sunlight and water. This also will come naturally. As time passes, there will be inner weather changes. Sometimes we have days of bright, warm sunlight within, making us feel bursting with happiness and hope.

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But other days we are surrounded by dense clouds of sadness. They can become heavier and heavier, eventually enveloping us into darkness.

Fear not, because these very clouds will provide you with the second key ingredient to grow your seedling: water. Your very tears will be welcome nourishment for your little plant  of wisdom inching towards the sky.

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 As with all things in life we need a optimal balance of sunlight and water for our plants. Individual balances may vary — some plants may need more sunlight, others may need more rain.

However, sometimes we may find ourselves being enveloped in thick, dark clouds for long periods of time.  They can become so dense that we cannot pierce through them with our own little sunlight. Being in darkness for so long is unlikely to help our plant to grow.

Luckily no man is an island, and we have other people around us who can lend a helping hand. They can share their light when we can’t shine it on ourselves. There is another word for this — love.

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Often when other people consciously share their sunlight with us, our clouds will naturally start to rain. They can, in fact, pour. Floods of tears will come flowing down, and the rain will pitter and patter until your clouds will start to disappear. Eventually you will start to see the shimmering of your own sunlight again.

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And your plant can bask in its warmth.

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Now remember, sharing sunlight doesn’t mean trying to forcibly blast someone’s clouds away through pushing happiness on them. This can be very counterproductive. Yet, people using this method often can get frustrated as to why the other person is not responding to their happy bomb.

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The reason is simple. If you are throwing a happy bomb at someone, often (but not always) you are indirectly saying, “you shouldn’t be sad”. In other words, “I don’t want to accept you as you are”. This tends to be because people do not like to accept the clouds of sadness within themselves, so they do not want to be reminded of them through other people.

This is where remembering that people are like plants is so important. People’s little plants benefit from the sadness. They are nourished by tears. As such, accepting people as they are, in that moment in time, is crucial. Also, remember that plants need time to grow, so no amount of blasting with happy bombs will speed up the process.

Sunlight is love, and love is unconditional acceptance. It is a state of being. It is to warmly radiate your own sunlight on someone, gently telling them “you can be exactly who you are“.

Another mistake people make is to go in the polar opposite direction when trying to help people with clouds. Thinking that it’s inappropriate to be happy around them, they instead draw out their own clouds of gloom. Although on the surface this may seem like a form of empathy, in the long run this equally doesn’t help, because instead you are just darkening each other’s clouds together.

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Note that you will find that some people actually want to stay with their clouds of gloom. These people will prefer to be with people who darken their clouds further. This is fine if that is what people want. However, whilst this may give these people a temporary feeling of satisfaction, ultimately the little plant of wisdom will not grow by staying continuously in darkness.

Ultimately, our plants need their own unique mixture of of soil, time, rain and sunlight.

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As we go through cycles of rain and sunlight through the passing of time, sometimes aided by the sunlight of others, you will find that what was initially a little seedling inside…

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…will eventually sprout a stunning flower that radiates both deep insight and beauty.

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What kind of a plant do you have? 🙂

Afterword

The idea that people are like plants was one I had during my winter months of darkness.

I have learnt the importance of patience when it comes to self-development. Often I beat myself up for not feeling better quickly. But now I know that my plant will grow at its own pace. The best thing I can do for it is to lovingly accept it as it is.

I have also learnt the importance of accepting your sadness. We live in a hyper-positive world where the social expectation is that we need to be super duper happy all of the time. I’m sure I’m part of a large majority of people who see crying as a ‘weakness’ – even if it’s on a subconscious level. Although we may say to others that crying is ok, we still don’t want others to see us cry, and we feel uncomfortable when others do.  I picked up the idea that “crying = bad” at a very young age and I remember holding in a lot of tears as a young girl. This is maybe why I cry so much now.  I think I’m crying for the young girl inside that didn’t think she was allowed to cry.

Our plants need both sunlight and water. Our tears are crucial for our own emotional development. I once heard a beautiful quote – “Two things bring us closer to God, prayer and tears”. Crying can be the exact catharsis that we need. The only reason why I have some of the deep insights on life that I have today is because a few of my little plants have sprouted after years of going through both sunlight and rain. My “rainy seasons” (i.e. periods of depression) I know so far have been crucial for my own development.

Maybe I have tropical plants 😉

I also wrote this blog because I’ve been thinking a lot about how to help people who find themselves in thick clouds of darkness. Seeing what helps me has taught me a lot. I talk in this entry about the things that don’t help people with dark clouds, and that’s because I have made all of the mistakes I mention here. I have thrown happy bombs and I have further darkened others people’s clouds. I know I still make these mistakes, but then I’m only reminded about how they don’t work. Conversely I have been on the receiving end of both types of approaches, and I know that they have not helped me.

I have learnt that if someone can’t pierce through their dark clouds, just be with them and shine your sunlight of acceptance. This sometimes may mean just sitting with someone in silence. Then let the magic of time take over. Finally I want to extend my special thanks to JW and CH who have shared their wonderful sunlight with me during these recent cloudy times.

 

 

Filed Under: Depression, Love, Relationships, Self Discovery Tagged With: Depression, Friendships, Love, Relationships, Support

A Few (Inconclusive) Thoughts About Marriage

September 6, 2016 by lyra777 Leave a Comment

The other day I was watching a film. The male hero looks into the heroine’s eyes and says “Jane, I can’t live without you. Will you marry me?”.

Fast forward to the marriage ceremony. The bride and groom exchange rings. They say to each other that they commit to staying with each other for the rest of their lives, through sickness and in health, till death do them part.

A beautiful thing, right?

I felt uncomfortable.

Not because I’m a commitment-phobe. If anything I’m the polar opposite of that. And it’s also not because I don’t like weddings. I absolutely love them. Instead, I feel uncomfortable when I see scenes like this because I see subtitles underneath such statements.

“I want you forever” I don’t want you to leave me.

“I can’t live without you” I am reliant on you for my security.

“I’d be lost without you” I am attached to you for my happiness.

I wonder how many people get married because deep down one person is scared about losing the other. So they put a ring on it to make things more ‘permanent’. To have the mental comfort of knowing that the very person that you are attached to will always be there. People may do this on a subconscious level. To plunge into a marriage for reasons of fear and attachment is suffering just waiting to happen.

In addition, when couples publicly declare their commitment to each other at weddings, I often think – but what if separating is actually the best thing for the couple?

I believe that “loving” someone does not mean ignoring the changes that naturally occur between people and staying in a loveless marriage. It’s sensing what is best for both you and your partner and acting accordingly. This might mean working things out together, but it could mean parting ways. Realistically you just never know. So in a way, are you not imprisoning the very person that you love in having them make this commitment?

One person that I know who has chosen not to get married to her long-term partner once said to me, “People ask me why we don’t get married, but I feel like there is something beautiful about the fact that I choose to be with my partner every single day”. I thought that was wonderful. I too feel like one way I can show my love to my partner is to let him know that he has a choice of being with me. After all, you must allow others the freedom to be their own circle (see previous blog entry).

This then makes me wonder what the motivations should be behind marriage. I’m not talking about legal reasons – because I’m sure I could name a few of those. I ponder on the non-legal reasons because I know I do want to get married someday. Granted, I will freely admit that part of the reason is to wear a lovely wedding dress (what girl can resist having all eyes on her) and to have a day that celebrates love.

I’m still trying to work out good reasons to get married that aren’t based on fear and attachment. I know the feeling of wanting to share the rest of your life with someone. I know the feeling of being permanently connected at the heart with someone. And of course, I know the feeling of loving someone. I guess marriage could be an overt declaration of these emotions.

Yet, I cannot help but feel that marriage symbolises a permanent union. This idea belies how I feel about wanting to ensure that both my partner and myself feel free. Of course, there is a choice of leaving one’s partner even when married. It’s called divorce. But the gravitas is different.

I think the only answers I can come up with at the moment are these two: 1) If you feel a timeless connection (aka union) with someone on a spiritual level, you want to symbolise this on a physical level. This perhaps is marriage. 2) I like the idea of taking on my husband’s last name as a symbol of becoming one family when we have children. We are one unit and a tribe.

So yes, I’m afraid no conclusion to this post because I’m still mulling on this one, and any thoughts will be much appreciated 🙂 Stay tuned for another post someday…!

 

Filed Under: Love, Relationships Tagged With: Love, Marriage, Relationships

Two Becomes Three

August 15, 2016 by lyra777 Leave a Comment

In previous posts, I talked about the importance of being in charge of your own happiness in relationships, and the pain and suffering that can result from relying on someone else to satisfy your needs. This can be anyone from your partner, to your family, to your friends.

Often with regards to relationships, we hear phrases being used such as “two become one”, “my other half”, “he/she completes me”. The issue with these sorts of analogies is that they suggest that we are in some way incomplete unless we have these other people in our lives.

Yet, the truth is: we are complete already on our own. Your partner should not fill a gap in your life, but rather should add something new.

With this idea in mind, I suggest the following exercise:

1) Ask yourself: what are the gaps that someone close to you fills in your relationship? This could it be partner, parent or friend.

2) Write what you need to complete within yourself to fill that gap.

For example, I have a person dear to me who I feel is one of the few people who unconditionally accepts me for who I am. To me, my relationship with this person fills a gap – my craving for unconditional acceptance.

This clearly shows me that I need to work on unconditionally accepting myself more.

The list could go on, and could be anything. Does your partner make you feel protected? Make you feel happy? Make you feel loved?

Yes? Now figure out ways in which you can achieve that feeling within yourself.

Ultimately, these gaps are the things that are currently missing in the most important partnership of all: the relationship between you and yourself.

As you start to slowly re-discover how to access these elements again, your relationships with others will no longer be one where you are relying on them to fill in a void within you. It will be a relationship where two beings approach each other in their entireties. This allows for the highest form of creativity to occur.

When this happens, two doesn’t become one. Two becomes three.

Filed Under: Acceptance, Love, Relationships Tagged With: Development, Love, Relationships, Self

Is Dependency in Relationships That Bad?

July 25, 2016 by lyra777 Leave a Comment

I first want to say a whole-hearted thank you to the many people who have been writing to me regarding my blog posts. I have had the most interesting, enlightening discussions and can’t wait to have more. Please don’t hesitate to get in touch with me to talk about anything.

I wanted to write a post on a question I received from a few people after my last post.

Is dependency in relationships all that bad?

To begin, I personally do not think there are ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ paths. This is entirely subjective and dependent on each person and their beliefs.

I do however, think that there are some paths that lead to more pain and suffering than others. So, when asked whether dependency in relationship ‘bad’, my answer would be that it’s neither ‘bad’ nor ‘good’. Instead, dependency is a path that can lead to more pain and suffering.

Again, pain and suffering aren’t necessarily ‘bad’. They are just what they are. Another human experience.

What you want to experience is entirely up to you.

Next, I want to clarify what I mean by ‘dependency’. Although I said in the last post that it is not great for your happiness if you depend on someone to satisfy your needs, I am not saying that you should not give and receive in a relationship.

On the contrary, I believe that unconditionally giving and graciously receiving in relationships is a beautiful, wonderful thing and can lead to great happiness.

Let me define these terms a bit better:

Unconditionally giving = to give without expecting anything in return.

Graciously receiving = to receive fully with gratitude, without feeling obliged to return anything.

So where does dependency come in? Pain and suffering come into the process when people become attached.

You are fine when your needs are met. But when they aren’t, you feel the ache of suffering. This is inevitable with attachment.

A further problem happens if you are not only attached, but then believe that it is the other person’s duty to ensure that you do not feel this pain.

Your partner has his/her own life. They are not you. They will not be able to meet all of your demands. So once again, be prepared to be disappointed if you choose to adopt this mindset.

The good news is — it doesn’t have to be this way.

It is challenging, but not impossible, to strive for a relationship where you are giving and receiving without attachment. You allow love to flow freely and unconditionally. You do not aggressively insist that it is the other person’s duty to fulfil your needs. Note that I feel like it is perfectly reasonable to communicate to your partner your needs, but problems arise when you start to say it is their job to satisfy them. Because you are in charge of your own wellbeing, and are not reliant on your partner to bring you joy, you are much more emotionally stable.

Remember, not needing your partner does not equate to not loving your partner. You can fully love someone without needing them. You may be surprised, in fact, by how much your love deepens once various attachment factors are removed. 

So I once again suggest — be your colour!!

Filed Under: Acceptance, Love, Relationships Tagged With: Co-dependency, Relationships

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About Me

Hi there! I'm Marie. I'm a behavioural science consultant with a PhD in cognitive neuroscience. I explore what sets us free and brings us peace. A millennial-in-awakening. Read More…

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