Writing

Recently I was looking through previous posts. I was feeling a bit self-conscious that I had so many posts on darkness. I know that this is my own stigma towards depression coming out. A little voice in my head starts nabbering that people are judging me for being such a downer. However I made a promise to myself when I revamped this blog that I would express myself honestly. What I’ve wanted to write is what I’ve been posting, so I would like to work on accepting that this is how I want to be.

It’s easy for me to show the happy side of my being. I can openly express the joy and love in my heart in a myriad of ways. Expressing darkness though, now that’s a challenge. I find it difficult to even be openly grumpy because I’m embarrassed. That’s one reason why I write a lot about “negative” emotion. I’m writing for all the times I couldn’t say in the moment how I was feeling. I’m writing so I can have a conversation about the human emotions we all experience, yet keep behind closed doors.

Meryl Streep in her Golden Globes speech recently quoted the late Carrie Fisher as saying, “Take your broken heart, and make it into art”. On a similar vein, I once heard someone say that the purpose of art was to “heal and reveal”. I think there is a very good reason why things that are considered masterpieces – whether they be literature, film, music or fine art – tend to be those that really tap into and express the gritty, heart-wrenching aspects of existence. Think about it – how many happy books were you made to read in English literature class?

When we experience art, we are given permission, through a safe medium, to experience tough emotions that we otherwise suppress and bottle up inside. Through fully connecting with the feelings, we release (heal) and further our understanding of what it means to be human (reveal). To me, writing precisely plays this role. So yes, I will continue to write what I feel flows through me. Bare with me if it can get a bit dark sometimes. Like all of us I am navigating this weird and wacky experience of living as a human being, feeling deep pain, healing it and then revealing truths of living. As Rumi said, “The wound is where the light enters”.

Now that I’ve vowed to myself that I will write about anything I want, suddenly I want to post about everything.

I do feel like this is not some random burst of excitement that might die down just as quickly. Even when I wasn’t blogging I was always thinking about things I wanted to write about. I would construct the blog in my mind and happily think about how I would convey my thoughts to the reader. But I never actually did it.

Now that I’m finally putting these daydreams into practice I can’t describe how much better I feel. I am bringing some much needed flow back into my life. I understand it’s going to be a wobbly start because I’m still trying to find my voice. When I read my own writing I can significantly feel which bits I wrote from the heart, and bits that I didn’t so much. The difficultly is that growing up we are taught by various people how to write. Our parents first teach us what is right or wrong, and then at school a certain style is demanded of us. We soon start to adapt our writing into something that we think will get that A grade or will be applauded by others. Often in the back of our minds the question isn’t “I am expressing in writing what I truly feel?” but “I am writing in a way that other people will approve of?”.

In other words, we write from a place of fear.

Fear that other people won’t accept what and how we communicate. We desperately try to avoid the sinking feeling of rejection and ridicule. When we do avoid it, and people give us a positive stamp of approval, we get a rush of excitement. Positive reinforcement. This can become almost addictive. The trouble with having this sort of relationship with writing is that while the highs can be ecstatic, the lows can really bum you out. Instead of being content with the beautiful act of creativity, your happiness is defined by the reactions of other people.

I want to get to a place where I’m consistently writing from a place of calm, loving presence, which in turn will cultivate creativity. A place where I am writing what I want, how I want to, without worrying what people think. A place where I am constantly enjoying the mere act of writing, regardless of the consequences it brings. A place of serenity.

Writing and Healing

Writing From a Place of Serenity