I first want to say a whole-hearted thank you to the many people who have been writing to me regarding my blog posts. I have had the most interesting, enlightening discussions and can’t wait to have more. Please don’t hesitate to get in touch with me to talk about anything.
I wanted to write a post on a question I received from a few people after my last post.
Is dependency in relationships all that bad?
To begin, I personally do not think there are ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ paths. This is entirely subjective and dependent on each person and their beliefs.
I do however, think that there are some paths that lead to more pain and suffering than others. So, when asked whether dependency in relationship ‘bad’, my answer would be that it’s neither ‘bad’ nor ‘good’. Instead, dependency is a path that can lead to more pain and suffering.
Again, pain and suffering aren’t necessarily ‘bad’. They are just what they are. Another human experience.
What you want to experience is entirely up to you.
Next, I want to clarify what I mean by ‘dependency’. Although I said in the last post that it is not great for your happiness if you depend on someone to satisfy your needs, I am not saying that you should not give and receive in a relationship.
On the contrary, I believe that unconditionally giving and graciously receiving in relationships is a beautiful, wonderful thing and can lead to great happiness.
Let me define these terms a bit better:
Unconditionally giving = to give without expecting anything in return.
Graciously receiving = to receive fully with gratitude, without feeling obliged to return anything.
So where does dependency come in? Pain and suffering come into the process when people become attached.
You are fine when your needs are met. But when they aren’t, you feel the ache of suffering. This is inevitable with attachment.
A further problem happens if you are not only attached, but then believe that it is the other person’s duty to ensure that you do not feel this pain.
Your partner has his/her own life. They are not you. They will not be able to meet all of your demands. So once again, be prepared to be disappointed if you choose to adopt this mindset.
The good news is — it doesn’t have to be this way.
It is challenging, but not impossible, to strive for a relationship where you are giving and receiving without attachment. You allow love to flow freely and unconditionally. You do not aggressively insist that it is the other person’s duty to fulfil your needs. Note that I feel like it is perfectly reasonable to communicate to your partner your needs, but problems arise when you start to say it is their job to satisfy them. Because you are in charge of your own wellbeing, and are not reliant on your partner to bring you joy, you are much more emotionally stable.
Remember, not needing your partner does not equate to not loving your partner. You can fully love someone without needing them. You may be surprised, in fact, by how much your love deepens once various attachment factors are removed.
So I once again suggest — be your colour!!