Depression

Embracing The Seasons Within

January 6, 2017 by lyra777 Leave a Comment

Some of you, like me, may find these winter months emotionally challenging. Modern society currently calls it ‘seasonal affective disorder (SAD)’. But admiring the beautiful trees shedding their leaves during this period, I realised that a change of mood during these months doesn’t have to be seen as a “disorder”. It can instead be seen as just part of the natural flow of life.

As I am transitioning towards winter, I have been feeling the pang of deep darkness that I didn’t feel during the summer. I feel like I am shedding my leaves, shedding the pain and hurt that was stuck inside. I am seeing thoughts and emotions that I didn’t know existed within me. In embracing these emotions, I am feeling very raw.

In the summer we sprout our leaves. Our energy goes outwards. We are active, we are creative. We swing more towards the so-called ‘positive’ emotions of joy and pleasure. In the winter, just like the trees, we too shed our leaves. Some of us transition towards the so-called ‘negative’ emotions of sadness and pain.

However, most of us do not like this. This is because during the summer we come under a spell. We start to believe that we are the leaves of the tree, and forget that we have other sturdier, deeper parts of ourselves – like the bark or roots.

If you look at a tree in the winter, it stands there firmly in all of its bare glory. It is unapologetically naked. It reminds us that is ok to be vulnerable during this season. It gently waves its branches in the wind, like an arm summoning us to join it in embracing this period.

Remember that darkness can be seen as a gift. It is nature’s invitation to quietly delve deep within ourselves, to breakdown our existing paradigms and to start to feel who exactly we are. If you are doubtful of the gifts darkness can bring, let me ask you this – how many important life lessons have you learnt while happy? Chances are, any deep truths that you now know are things you learnt from the tough periods that you have been through.

Remember that winter has its gifts if we are willing to accept it for what it is.

Afterword

Even though I write about the positives of winter darkness, I’m not going to pretend that I deal with it well. I find it hard. Very hard. I also know that because I am very sensitive to the seasons, I would be much happier in a place with more warmth and sunlight (maybe because my inner “plants” are tropical?). One day, I hope to move to a country more towards the equator. Until then though, I am going to strive to embrace the gifts that these dark months give me. I definitely have learnt a hell of a lot and I am very grateful for this.

I also bought an SAD Lamp, and it’s made an enormous difference to both my mood and my energy levels. I recommend it strongly to anyone who is also struggling. At the same time though, my heightened energy levels, thanks to the lamp, feel a bit ‘unnatural’ to me. A bit like I’m forcing myself to work on caffeine. I only use it to keep up energy levels at work. I think in an ideal world I would listen to my heart and body and embrace the darkness a bit more.

One thing I’ve learnt this winter season is to accept the changes that naturally come with increased darkness. My flat becomes messier. I’m not motivated to cook exciting, healthy meals. I find it hard to keep up hobbies. I want to see people less. And this is all ok.

Spring will come eventually.

People are Like Plants

January 5, 2017 by lyra777 6 Comments

People are very much like plants.

Plants need four things to grow – soil, time, sunlight and water.

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We are in fact exactly the same.

All the time we are incubating seedlings of wisdom that are waiting to blossom. We are fertile ground.

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We tell people how they should be growing their little plants, which is madness really. Your plant maybe a rose, and mine may be a cactus. If I applied the same requirements as you — lots of water in a temperate climate — my cactus will end up all shrivelled up.

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Yet, we say to others, you should grow like this, and you should grow like that, thinking that is best for them. This is only because it worked for our plant, but it may not work at all for theirs. We could be twisting their little plant to grow in a way it doesn’t want to.

We may also become impatient with other people’s growth process, demanding that they grow faster, that they act now. But no matter how much you yell at a plant, it will still grow at its own pace, because plants need time and patience to grow.

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Plants also need sunlight and water. This also will come naturally. As time passes, there will be inner weather changes. Sometimes we have days of bright, warm sunlight within, making us feel bursting with happiness and hope.

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But other days we are surrounded by dense clouds of sadness. They can become heavier and heavier, eventually enveloping us into darkness.

Fear not, because these very clouds will provide you with the second key ingredient to grow your seedling: water. Your very tears will be welcome nourishment for your little plant of wisdom inching towards the sky.

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As with all things in life we need a optimal balance of sunlight and water for our plants. Individual balances may vary — some plants may need more sunlight, others may need more rain.

However, sometimes we may find ourselves being enveloped in thick, dark clouds for long periods of time. They can become so dense that we cannot pierce through them with our own little sunlight. Being in darkness for so long is unlikely to help our plant to grow.

Luckily no man is an island, and we have other people around us who can lend a helping hand. They can share their light when we can’t shine it on ourselves. There is another word for this — love.

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Often when other people consciously share their sunlight with us, our clouds will naturally start to rain. They can, in fact, pour. Floods of tears will come flowing down, and the rain will pitter and patter until your clouds will start to disappear. Eventually you will start to see the shimmering of your own sunlight again.

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And your plant can bask in its warmth.

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Now remember, sharing sunlight doesn’t mean trying to forcibly blast someone’s clouds away through pushing happiness on them. This can be very counterproductive. Yet, people using this method often can get frustrated as to why the other person is not responding to their happy bomb.

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The reason is simple. If you are throwing a happy bomb at someone, often (but not always) you are indirectly saying, “you shouldn’t be sad”. In other words, “I don’t want to accept you as you are”. This tends to be because people do not like to accept the clouds of sadness within themselves, so they do not want to be reminded of them through other people.

This is where remembering that people are like plants is so important. People’s little plants benefit from the sadness. They are nourished by tears. As such, accepting people as they are, in that moment in time, is crucial. Also, remember that plants need time to grow, so no amount of blasting with happy bombs will speed up the process.

Sunlight is love, and love is unconditional acceptance. It is a state of being. It is to warmly radiate your own sunlight on someone, gently telling them “you can be exactly who you are“.

Another mistake people make is to go in the polar opposite direction when trying to help people with clouds. Thinking that it’s inappropriate to be happy around them, they instead draw out their own clouds of gloom. Although on the surface this may seem like a form of empathy, in the long run this equally doesn’t help, because instead you are just darkening each other’s clouds together.

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Note that you will find that some people actually want to stay with their clouds of gloom. These people will prefer to be with people who darken their clouds further. This is fine if that is what people want. However, whilst this may give these people a temporary feeling of satisfaction, ultimately the little plant of wisdom will not grow by staying continuously in darkness.

Ultimately, our plants need their own unique mixture of of soil, time, rain and sunlight.

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As we go through cycles of rain and sunlight through the passing of time, sometimes aided by the sunlight of others, you will find that what was initially a little seedling inside…

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…will eventually sprout a stunning flower that radiates both deep insight and beauty.

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What kind of a plant do you have? 🙂

Afterword

The idea that people are like plants was one I had during my winter months of darkness.

I have learnt the importance of patience when it comes to self-development. Often I beat myself up for not feeling better quickly. But now I know that my plant will grow at its own pace. The best thing I can do for it is to lovingly accept it as it is.

I have also learnt the importance of accepting your sadness. We live in a hyper-positive world where the social expectation is that we need to be super duper happy all of the time. I’m sure I’m part of a large majority of people who see crying as a ‘weakness’ – even if it’s on a subconscious level. Although we may say to others that crying is ok, we still don’t want others to see us cry, and we feel uncomfortable when others do. I picked up the idea that “crying = bad” at a very young age and I remember holding in a lot of tears as a young girl. This is maybe why I cry so much now. I think I’m crying for the young girl inside that didn’t think she was allowed to cry.

Our plants need both sunlight and water. Our tears are crucial for our own emotional development. I once heard a beautiful quote – “Two things bring us closer to God, prayer and tears”. Crying can be the exact catharsis that we need. The only reason why I have some of the deep insights on life that I have today is because a few of my little plants have sprouted after years of going through both sunlight and rain. My “rainy seasons” (i.e. periods of depression) I know so far have been crucial for my own development.

Maybe I have tropical plants 😉

I also wrote this blog because I’ve been thinking a lot about how to help people who find themselves in thick clouds of darkness. Seeing what helps me has taught me a lot. I talk in this entry about the things that don’t help people with dark clouds, and that’s because I have made all of the mistakes I mention here. I have thrown happy bombs and I have further darkened others people’s clouds. I know I still make these mistakes, but then I’m only reminded about how they don’t work. Conversely I have been on the receiving end of both types of approaches, and I know that they have not helped me.

I have learnt that if someone can’t pierce through their dark clouds, just be with them and shine your sunlight of acceptance. This sometimes may mean just sitting with someone in silence. Then let the magic of time take over. Finally I want to extend my special thanks to JW and CH who have shared their wonderful sunlight with me during these recent cloudy times.

Having a Darkness Episode – Q&A

November 15, 2016 by lyra777 Leave a Comment

Last week, I had quite a strong episode of darkness, and I’m still coming out of it. It was hard, very hard. A common theme in my life is that I have no one to support me during these times. I have to cope on my own. As a result, the loneliness I feel is overwhelming. I spent all weekend alone in my flat crying from so much pain.

One reason why I don’t reach out to people during these times is that in the past I have found it to be very counterproductive. People find it difficult to understand what I am going through. As a result, at the end of the conversation all I am left with are painful feelings of being misunderstood. This exacerbates any already existing feelings of isolation and loneliness.

But I thought maybe…just maybe…if I could take the time out to describe what is going on with me, I can narrow the gap of misunderstanding between myself and others. It’s hard to explain to someone subjective feelings, but I will try. This might be the first step in me finding the connection with people I so deeply long for. It also might help others to understand people who are going through something similar to me.

Note that what I am describing below is what happens during an episode of extreme darkness. This is quite different from the darkness that I experience day-to-day as white noise. But I suppose that’s another entry!

So here it is, a glimpse into my inner world:

You say you are in pain, did anything happen?

Nope, nothing has happened. My life is absolutely fine – very peaceful.

So you just woke up and you were in pain?

Yes. Fine the day before, world comes crashing down the next. This also means though that it will lift just as randomly as it appeared.

What do you mean by pain?

It is a combination of both physical and emotional pain. The location and feeling differs during these periods of extreme darkness. This time round my pain was predominantly located over my heart, but later on in the week I also had pain under my belly.

The best way to describe what it feels like is – it’s feeling of tightness. Heaviness. Think of it like block in your body. Like how you may have stiff shoulders. But that tightness is felt on different parts of your body.

Is it a medical problem then?

I’m not a doctor so I can’t tell you. But the fact that the blocks seem to move constantly throughout the day suggests that it’s not quite a physical problem. I have my own theory as to what it is, but they’re very metaphysical.

Can you explain better what is going on with you emotionally?

Imagine yourself feeling deep, deep sadness. Add to that despair and anguish. These feelings are all concentrated in the blockages I’ve described earlier.

I’m sorry that you’re feeling that way.

Don’t be. I’m not. Please, please don’t feel sorry for me. I genuinely see this as a positive thing. It feels like an emotional cleanse. Think of it like a cold. The symptoms are not pleasant, but you know that your body is doing a good thing for itself. That’s what it feels like to me, and when I do come out of it I feel like something deep inside me has been released.

In addition, although I am observing the sadness, pain and anguish, most of the time I feel like my roots are still firmly on the ground. There is space between my sense of self and my darkness. One way to see it is like the ocean – the waves on top may be stormy but the bottom is calm and tranquil.

So you’re ok then?

Well, not really. I am in pain after all. If I get extreme episodes like I did this week, staying in the zen zone becomes extremely difficult. The space between my firm sense of self and my emotions starts to shrink. When this happens I can get lost in the darkness.

What happens then?

Think of your typical nervous breakdown. Hyperventilating, rocking back and forth, feelings of complete paralysis, saying the same thing over and over again…you get the picture. Not pretty.

You were fine at work though – surely your pain can’t be that serious?

Darkness/depression takes practice, and I have had 15 years of training. This is why I can function fairly normally at work. I have learnt how to still smile and make jokes despite the crushing sadness I feel on the inside. Also, when I am with people this takes my mind away from the pain on the inside.

But once I go home, it’s just my pain and I. This is when the true battle begins.

Is there anything you need during these times? What can I do to help?

I first will say that what I write here is what I personally need. Some people may have the same needs as me, others may be different. If you see someone in darkness, ask them what will help them.

Before writing what helps me heal, I’ll start off by what conversely makes things worse for me:

1) Feigned empathy

If seeing my pain and anguish is too much for someone, that is fine, I understand. I won’t take it personally. But if someone does say they would like to help, what exacerbates the hurt even more is if they shut me out because seeing my pain is difficult. I can feel it very, very strongly when people do. A wall goes up, and I can feel the person going into what I call ‘automatic fake empathy mode’. They will read out a learnt script of things to say to people when they are in pain – “I’m sorry to hear that…it will be ok…is there anything I can do etc.” . It’s their way of distancing themselves from me whilst also saying the ‘right’ things.

Again, I don’t want this to sound like an accusation. It’s ok if someone feels uncomfortable. I just want to say that feigned empathy hurts far more than someone straight up telling me that they don’t know what to do when they see me in this state. What I need more than anything during these times is a fully open heart, not a closed one.

2) Sympathy

I run a mile from people who show sympathy towards me if they see I am sad. They are the last people I turn to when I am in pain. Why? The last thing I want to hear is a ‘poor you’ type sentiment.

I am not a victim. I am not a broken human being. I stand proud in my darkness. I don’t feel sorry for myself, so why should you feel sorry for me?

Note that I do not think sympathy is the same as empathy. The former is to look down on someone, the latter to sit there equally with someone.

3) Giving me solutions

You probably hear this a lot (especially in relation to women), but solutions are next to useless when people are in darkness. Even if you did suggest something (e.g., how about exercise? How about meditating?) I really am not in a state or mood to do anything.

Also, I fully admit that this is a personal thing, but when people suggest solutions it triggers a pain point in me. The person may say, “why don’t you go to the gym?”, but my mind then translates that to – “you aren’t effectively coping with depression”. This personally makes me feel worse. But that is a thorn I need to pull out.

So on the flipside what helps? It’s extremely simply really…

1) Empathy

When I am in this state I am in pain, and as a result I deeply long for human connection. I want someone just to sit with me. Just to be with me. I want someone to sit and hold me while I cry out my pain, cry out the anguish. You do not need to say or do anything special. Please just connect with me and share the space with me.

2) Love

An open heart goes a long way. If you open your heart, I will feel it, and I will be ever so grateful for it. I promise I will do the same for you. Please accept me as I am in my darkness. Please do not try to change me. I don’t need advice. I don’t need guidance. Don’t tell me that I am doing anything wrong. I need love more than anything else during these times.

To Close

I have written my needs in this post, but I understand that ultimately I need to figure out a way to channel enough love for myself that I won’t need it externally. I’m working on it. Baby steps at a time.

Again, I hope that what I have written can close the gap between people who are going through darkness, and people who may not understand what we are going through.

Darkness: Cognitive vs Emotional Depression

September 13, 2016 by lyra777 Leave a Comment

We live in a dualistic universe. Up vs down, positive vs negative, light vs dark. So far with my posts I have been writing optimistic, hopeful posts. I would describe them as talking about the ‘light’ side of life. However, now I want to discuss the opposite end of the spectrum of human experience — darkness.

A person once mentioned to me that I had ‘insufferable happiness’. I replied that this was because I live with a ton of darkness. Although during the day when I am with people I am smiley, what most people don’t know is that pretty much every morning I wake up in floods of tears from the weight of emotional anguish I feel inside.

Now, in writing this post I am not looking for sympathy. I am finally writing about this publicly because I want to share my experience. For 15 years I have felt very misunderstood, and have explored and learned about darkness in my own way. I am still learning. If the posts I write resonate with anyone out there, I just hope they know that they are not alone in their experience.

On the surface, people may see what I have as clinical depression. If we go by the definition provided by the most famous clinical diagnostic manual, the DSM-V, then perhaps I do. Symptoms include chronic depressed mood, difficulty with sleeping, difficulty concentrating and loss of energy.

However, over the years I have come to distinguish between two types of depression. The first is what I call “cognitive depression”. The other I call “emotional/spiritual depression”. I’ve outlined the differences and similarities between the two below:

Cognitive Depression	Emotional/Spiritual Depression
Often triggered by some critical event.	No attributable trigger.
Comes and goes in large waves.	Always there like a white noise.
Feelings of helplessness, lack of control, despair, sadness.	Feelings of emotional anguish, pain, sadness, anger and suffering.
Clear negative automatic thoughts. Self-critical.	No relationships between thoughts and feelings. Mind can be very clear, even optimistic.
Low self-esteem	Self-esteem not necessarily affected.
Feeling feels like it stems from the mind.	Feeling feels like it stems from stomach region.
Necessary to recognise the negative automatic thoughts for what they are. Necessary to let go of needing to be in control. Surrender and accept the circumstances that have occurred.	Necessary to accept, love and surrender to all the dark feelings that are bubbling up to the surface. Empty the mind and let the feelings be.
Difficulty concentrating.
Fluctuations in appetite.
Difficulty getting to sleep.
Need time alone, but also very lonely.
Both characterised by long periods of sadness.

Whilst the two can occur separately, they are not necessarily mutually exclusive. For example, you can start off with emotional depression. Even though your thoughts are clear, you are in a ton of emotional pain. Concentrating is difficult. Because you can’t concentrate, work is affected. When you fall behind on work, this can make you feel bad. This can be the trigger for cognitive depression, where this time round you do have critical thoughts that race through your head.

Right now I have emotional depression. Some people find it a bit difficult to get their head around this. “What happened?”, people naturally ask. When I say “genuinely nothing”, sometimes I get funny looks. They think I may be suffering from low self-esteem, but I don’t have that either. I just have a lot of emotional pain. This was why therapy did not work at all for me. The therapists wanted to scrutinise all the thoughts I had. I felt like saying ‘ok, fine, but what you say doesn’t change at all how I feel’.

Over the years I have come to my own understanding of depression. Essentially, I have come to learn that it results from repressed emotion. Whenever you suppress anger or sadness, it doesn’t disappear. It gets stuck inside you. The only way to let it go is to fully embrace and accept the emotions that are desperately trying to be expressed. When you do through techniques such as meditation, you might even get a flashback to the exact incident where this emotion arose.

This may all sound very unscientific to people well versed in clinical psychology, but it is what I have come to understand through both my own research and experience with depression. I hope to talk more candidly about the techniques I use to manage depression in the future.

That’s it for my first of what will be a series of posts on darkness. As I said, I hope to share with people how I manage it, but also perhaps just to write honestly write down the struggles I face too. If you’re reading this and are going through something similar, don’t hesitate to reach out. Also if you have any questions, I’ll be happy to answer them in a subsequent blog post.